Two Things Pissed Me Off Today

Handsfree Kits-

When did it become so goddamn impossible to put a phone to your ear and speak? It worked pretty well for many decades, so why do so many people insist on fannying around with a handsfree kit? The only people I see actually using a handsfree kit are people WHOSE HANDS ARE FREE. They make perfect sense if you are driving or carrying logs or whatever other activity requires the use of your hands. Ironically enough, I watch the average gaping arsehole who sits on the train with a kit attached, and the only thing he is using his hands for is to endlessly adjust the fucking handsfree kit he is using in order for his hands to be free. It makes no sense! Think about it you moron. The very thing you are using to negate the use of your hands is the very thing that is requiring the use of your hands, renering the whole thing an enormous waste of time! My hatred for these people stems from one specific incident I witnessed about 6 months ago, in which some hideous boneheaded hog sat opposite me on the bus tried to make a phonecall using her handsfree kit. When the person she was bothering answered, she started hollering "CAN YOU 'EAR ME??!?!" over and over like some kind of obese parrot. She then wiggled the wire around a bit, before doing the exact same thing again. This went on for around 90 seconds, by which point I was seriously considering making this dickhead bleed. Eventually, she gave up on her handsfree and put the phone to her ear. She then excitedly hollered something along the lines of "OOOHH, I CAN 'EAR YA NAAAAAHHHHH! 'OLD ON DAHHHLLLINNNNN!" and attempted to reconnect the handsfree kit once more. It was a this point that I was at my stop and was able to escape this utter fool before I lost my shit and choked her to death. Another problem with these things is that it is now markedly more difficult to differentiate between a lazy bastard talking into a wire or a genuine psychopath talking to an invisible fairy. This has made my day something of a minefield, since I live and work in two areas of London with a high concentration of nutters.

Incidentally, my favourite ever handsfree kit was one I saw been used by an old Asian lady recently, who had clipped her phone case to the side of her headscarf. Her hands were free, but whatever. She looked cool as fuck.


Inconsiderate Train Passengers-

Get on a train in London at rush hour, and you are almost guaranteed to have no fucking room to move whatsoever. Every single carriage is filled with about 18,135 more people than they are designed to accomodate. Your feet are planted to the spot. Move an inch in any direction and you are gonna be crushing someone's toes. Got an itch on your face? Tough shit. Your arms are pinned to your sides and there isn't anything you can do about it. And no matter which direction you look in, there will definitely be a damp armit in close proximity to your nostrils. Basically, there is no fucking room to do anything. But that isn't to say there isn't people who will try. Far from it. For some reason I cannot fathom, every single one of these journeys will feature some inconsiderate tit with a pathological desire to read a news paper right there, right then. This idiot will stand there with the paper about 1/100000th of an inch from his face, reading away like a twat. The problems begin when he begins the complex task of turning the page. In such close proximity to other people, this usually descends into a festival of tuts and sighs as this paper-reading cunt elbows everyone within a 12 inch radius repeatedly.

NO ALBUM ARTWORK

Most people sleep when they are tired. Not me though. Rather than go to bed like any rational tired person, I instead tend to find myself wading through the vast trough of sewage that is the world wide web, looking at nothing in particular and cursing the fact that I'm going to wake up the following morning for work feeling like shit. BUT NOT TODAY. For you see, two great things have happened on this Friday night. ONE, no work tomorrow. and TWO, I've found a website which basically exists to bring together the most ridiculous album covers ever unleashed on the general public. Here are some of my favourites.






Put yourself in the photographer's position for a second. You're readying the camera, making sure everything is just so, but something isn't quite right. This scene, of Millie Jackson, a middle aged woman on the toilet with her panties around her ankles, is just a little too harsh. The solution? A nice vase with some fresh flowers in. It's just a very nice touch. Also, what is Millie Jackson forcing from her bowels that requires the removal of a shoe?



Simple concept here. All of Freddie Gage's friends are, as the large type suggests, dead. So this is conveyed by having Freddie squat in front of a tombstone looking morose, holding what looks like a bible. I like Freddie's shoes/shirt co-ordination, proving that grief need not impact upon your fashion sense. The design of the cover is unfortunate, with the vast swathes of sky blue with a small picture in the centre giving the impression that the picture was shot through a bathroom window.



What is he building, a dungeon to molest children in?



I cannot say anything to justify how amazing this one is, but I will say that such a simple idea has never been executed so perfectly.



I bet being a pop star got this dude tons of girlfriends.



....And you, and you, and you! But not you, you laughed at her face.




So what, is Julie his daughter or his jailbait? Either way, she ain't Sixteen.

Finally, here is the worst cover OF ALL TIME. Srsly, die already.