BOO-HOOING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

"We made a decision simply because he gets terrible abuse here. We don't want to subject him to that"

Oh, boo fucking hoo. So what if a load of empty headed moronic halfwits want to sing songs about how you went out and boffed some slags while your pregnant wife was at home carrying your child? Wayne Rooney must earn like, £100,000 per week. For that money it should be a legal obligation that overweight commoners scream things like "PRICK!" or "CUNT!" or "BASTARD!" at you every time you step outside your 12412-bedroom principality that you call a home. Seriously, for that kind of money I would allow every opposition supporter in the country to kick me in the throat. All Wayne Rooney has to do it take his dick out of a prostitute long enough to play football for 90 minutes and train for a couple of hours a day. Infact, here is a list of tasks that any human being should be legally forced to carry out when earning anything close to £100,000 per week;

* Eat stinging nettles that have been pickled in the ball sweat of overweight sexual deviants.

* Build 4 houses per every paycheck received. This rule is open to interpretation, for example the individual could build 6 small houses like bungalows, or one block of 3-storey apartments.

* Watch every episode of King of Queens. Twice.

* Cheat on you wife/partner. (Whoops, this one seems to already exist!)

* Drink a saucer of buffalo piss.

* Watch this AWFUL movie that is on the TV at the moment. Srsly, it's horrific. I'd do all of the above things just to avoid watching anymore of this garbage.


I feel that none of these things are too much to ask when you are taking home almost half a million a month. But GOD FORBID some strangers call you names. I cannot help but think that the best way to avoid having your feelings hurt with words (which, let's not forget, WILL NEVER HURT YOU! Not like those dastardly sticks and stones, which will break the shit out of your bones) is to not have sex with cheap-ass slappers whose only intention is to take a wad of cash from the N**s of the W***d in return for a series of lurid stories built entirely on puns relating to the victim's profession, for example, if the story is about a Formula One driver, the whore will say something like "Usually he is in pole position, but that night he had me positioned on his pole ALL NIGHT LONG!" like the name of an episode of a pornographic episode of Jerry Springer. It's like, I don't want people to think that I am a rapist or a murderer. So to achieve this, I don't rape or murder people. It's the most effective way in my opinion.