Excuse me, Mr Dirty, but I feel obliged to inform you that I have the money which I owe you, so please do not worry.

A somewhat over-analytical overview of the classic track Got Your Money, by sadly deceased psychopath Ol' Dirty Bastard.

"

The song is initially dedicated exclusively to the world's population of attractive females, until ODB seems to have pangs of guilt for not including ladies who might be considered 'homely' or 'ugly,' so he decides to include them, with the encouraging words, 'to me, you pretty anyway, baby.' The artist begins the song by expressing his harsh disdain for women whom he meets, who initially appear to be interested in him, yet later express a reversal of opinion. He then transitions into a discussion about how women sometimes imply they are carrying one's child, although the DNA tests may not yet have come back conclusively.

ODB then expresses some confusion with respect to the morality of the situation, but he is able to remedy this by presenting his Cristal brand of champagne, and urging the patrons to disarm themselves, because ODB does not approve of such violence. Continuing, it appears at first that there is some mutual attraction between “Dirty” (ODB) and the female patrons in the establishment; however, it soon becomes apparent to Dirty that the females only wish to use him for a shot at music video stardom. Despite his knowledge of their ulterior motives, ODB’s primary interest remains focused on dancing, and he tries to perpetuate his image as one who should not be taken lightly. He acknowledges a lack of intellectualism, although he claims that this is superseded by his natural charisma.

The females in the establishment start admiring Dirty for his assets, which just causes Dirty to return to the situation at hand: his money. He asks for the females’ assistance in rectifying the situation, and subsequently asks them to expose their nether regions. Dirty finishes off the song with some nonsensical lyrics, that clearly imply his rising anger for the missing money."

The line there near the end which I've highlighted is completely and utterly my favourite moment in a piece of writing full to the brim of outstanding use of the English language. Bravo, Wordsworth.

Here be the song/video to which this clap-trap refers;

NO ALBUM ARTWORK

Most people sleep when they are tired. Not me though. Rather than go to bed like any rational tired person, I instead tend to find myself wading through the vast trough of sewage that is the world wide web, looking at nothing in particular and cursing the fact that I'm going to wake up the following morning for work feeling like shit. BUT NOT TODAY. For you see, two great things have happened on this Friday night. ONE, no work tomorrow. and TWO, I've found a website which basically exists to bring together the most ridiculous album covers ever unleashed on the general public. Here are some of my favourites.






Put yourself in the photographer's position for a second. You're readying the camera, making sure everything is just so, but something isn't quite right. This scene, of Millie Jackson, a middle aged woman on the toilet with her panties around her ankles, is just a little too harsh. The solution? A nice vase with some fresh flowers in. It's just a very nice touch. Also, what is Millie Jackson forcing from her bowels that requires the removal of a shoe?



Simple concept here. All of Freddie Gage's friends are, as the large type suggests, dead. So this is conveyed by having Freddie squat in front of a tombstone looking morose, holding what looks like a bible. I like Freddie's shoes/shirt co-ordination, proving that grief need not impact upon your fashion sense. The design of the cover is unfortunate, with the vast swathes of sky blue with a small picture in the centre giving the impression that the picture was shot through a bathroom window.



What is he building, a dungeon to molest children in?



I cannot say anything to justify how amazing this one is, but I will say that such a simple idea has never been executed so perfectly.



I bet being a pop star got this dude tons of girlfriends.



....And you, and you, and you! But not you, you laughed at her face.




So what, is Julie his daughter or his jailbait? Either way, she ain't Sixteen.

Finally, here is the worst cover OF ALL TIME. Srsly, die already.

What did Missy Elliott ever do to you?

I've developed a slight obsession with an album on Spotify. It's a Missy Elliott album, in a way. Have you ever walked into a £1 shop and heard the music they tend to play? It's well known music, but re-recorded by some tone-deaf cretin for tedious copyright reasons. Well, this Missy album is basically just that. 'A Tribute to Missy Elliott' is the name, and although it is intended as a tribute it's difficult not to think that Missy has somehow wronged these people and this butchering of her finest musical moments is their unintentionally hilarious form of petty revenge.

The performers on show give the impression that they had no idea about what rap music actually is and are trying to pick it up as they go along. Seemingly, they've taken the assumption that rapping is basically just talking in an accent, which is obviously not the case. Speaking of accents, there are some utterly bamboozling dialects on show here, such as on the reimagining of Missy classic Gossip Folks, with a majority of the verses being delivered in a bizarre sort of Jamaican patois/Home Counties hybrid. Or on The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly), when on the line "Beep Beep! Who's got the keys to the jeep? VROOOOOMMMMM", the VROOOOMMMMM being delivered with all the gusto of a narcoleptic trapped in a pyramid scheme seminar. The rap in One Minute Man, originally performed by Ludacris, sounds like the kind of thing that might be churned out on some sort of documentary where a white, middle class MP visits a group of black youths in Hackney or New Cross in which he makes toe-curling attempts to be 'down wit da yoof' by trying his hand at being an MC. My absolute favourite moment occurs on Work It, arguably Missy's finest moment and arguably the finest moment of this so-called tribute. Those familiar with this song will remember the moment in the chorus where Missy promises to "Put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" which is followed by this line repeated in reverse. In the Missy Elliott tribute edition of Work It, the recording budget seemingly did not stretch to playing a 2 second section of the song in reverse, so instead what is heard is a literal interpretation of what it kind of sounds like in reverse. "ISSYOURFLIPANIPPAEVNERMEPPA" is literally what she blurts out, like some kind of demented psychopath.

If this is a tribute, I'd hate to think what would have happened if Missy had actually pissed these people off. Here is a link, in the rare event that anyone reads this/wants to listen to it. [You'll need Spotify on your computer to listen].

Kelis - Flesh Tone

Kelis' latest alum, Flesh Tone, is completely and utterly fantastic. It sees Kelis entering the unfamiliar world of euphoric, poppers o'clock dance music, complete with corny as fuck piano hooks which bring to mind N-Trance's mid-nineties anthem Set You Free and other such shit. As a recent divorcee, one would be forgiven for expecting a new Kelis album to be an endless barage of heart-broken ballads, or perhaps a return to shouty hate-fest Caught Out There, but rather than wallow in divorce-inspired misery Kelis has taken inspiration from the birth of her son. This decision to celebrate rather than comiserate has helped create an album of genuine warmth. Lead single Acapella broods and throbs on a combination of Donna Summer-esque beats and Kelis' breathy vocals and forthcoming single '4th of July (Fireworks)' features a throbbing bass hook which would more than stand its groud on the dancefloor.

Yay for happy Kelis! With the whole of pop music simeltaneously turning to the world of electro house for a sure-fire hit, Kelis and producer Will.I.Am have done extremely well to create an album which stands out so clearly among its peers.

Charity Shop Soundsystem - Update 11/06/2010

Today I picked up four new additions to my bargain bin CD collection, courtesy of a charity shop in Hackney. This outlet's quite vast selection featured such names as Clock (Abhorrent 90s Europop outfit responsible for awful guff such as "Whoomph! (There It Is)" and a cover of Blame It On The Boogie) and dad-rock legends Toploader. I decided to leave these two abominations on the shelf and pick up these four instead.....

• IKARA COLT - CHAT AND BUSINESS

I picked this up because I'm sure someone in the not too recent past has recommended this band to me. Ikara Colt were a London four piece specialising in jerky lo-fi art-punk and pretentious album covers which double up as mini sticker albums. They released two full-length LP's before disbanding in 2005.

• KANO - HOME SWEET HOME

One of the brightest lights in the world of UK hip-hop, Kane Robinson's 2005 debut is an experiemental take on the genre, in which Kano samples Black Sabbath classic 'War Pigs' and gets all soulful on Mike Skinner-featured 'Nite Nite' on a CD which plays as the mischevous younger brother to Dizzee Rascal's genre-defining debut Boy In Da Corner. "You can take me out of the hood, I'll still act like a criminal" vows Kano on 'Typical Me', a line which perfectly sums up the attitude of this album.

• MS DYNAMITE - A LITTLE DEEPER

Mercury Prize-winning debut from Ms Dynamite, who was a bloody big deal for a few months back in 2002. Featuring irritating nonsensical single Dy-Na-Mi-Tee and female liberation anthem Put Him Out, Dynamite never reached anything near the success of her debut CD, instead forging an alternative career as a rent-a-celeb on the reality TV circuit, although she did recently make a musical comeback of sorts as the vocal talent on DJ Zinc's 'Wile Out'.

• THE VINES - HIGHLY EVOLVED

Australian garage rockers The Vines recieved all kinds of acclaim for this, their 2001 debut LP. The Vines found themselves lumped in the lo-fi garage rock scene of the early 21st century along with The White Stripes, The Hives and The Strokes. The grunge vibe running through the album brought inevitable Nirvana comparisons, which is none more obvious than on 'In The Jungle' which almost sounds as though Kurt's passing was all a big misunderstanding and he has been moonlighting in an Australian rock & roll band all this time.

In Anticipation of 'Maya'.....

After a year spent looking after her newborn baby, Anglo-Sri Lankan controversy magnet Maya Arulpragasm, otherwise known as M.I.A, is to drop her new album, the name of which I think is Maya but is spelled in some bizarre stylized manner which makes pretty much no fucking sense. Two tracks from the album have been released to differing receptions.

Recent single XXXO seems to be another significant step on Maya's journey from underground guerilla-dance oddity to bona fide popstar, the tribal drums and piercing synths combine with her distinctive vocals to create a sound which would not sound out of place on a Britney Spears release. "You want me to be somebody that I'm really not" she hollers repeatedly on a chorus which after a few listens will stamp itself onto your brain and refuse to wash away. "All I know is you leave me wanting more" pines Maya, while also finding space in her story to plug household names such as Twitter, the iPhone and Quentin Tarantino.

Unlike XXXO, Born Free came complete with an accompanying video and in true M.I.A style, courted all kinds of controversy for its depiction of fatties having sex (oh, the humanity!) and the wanton torture of ginger children. For those who haven't viewed it, the video documents a group of hardcore military types rounding up young men of redheaded persuasion and dumping them in a remote desert, where they are ordered to sprint across a minefield. The video's biggest point of contention revolves around the consequences of one boy's refusal to comply with the orders, his punishment making for genuinely shocking and difficult viewing in a time when something genuinely shocking is hard to come by, what with the availabilty on the internet of, amongst many other things, videos of terrorists beheading innocent people in cold blood. Aurally, Born Free is as difficult to listen to as the video is to watch, it is a disorientating mix of marching drums, scattergun vocals and reverb-heavy riffs which seem to intertwine perfecty with the chaotic nature of the video. The fact that it sounds nothing like an M.I.A song is exactly what makes it an M.I.A song. Here is a musician who has never been afraid to experiment and throw something unexpected into the mix and Born Free ticks those boxes perfectly.

I was intending to embed the video, but I've just spent fifteen minutes searching for it and nowhere seems to have an embeddable version of it. Ah well. Here is a link to M.I.A's website where the video can be viewed in its entirety.

The new album drops on July 13th, but this date has changed frequently over the past few weeks so don't be suprised if this turns out to be bullshit. Producers on this album include Rusko, Diplo, Switch and Blaqstarr, which means that this promises to be some of Ms Arulpragasm's best work yet.

Check out M.I.A on Last.FM

Blood and Fire by The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster

The last we heard of psychobilly weirdos Eighties Matchbox, they had unleashed four-track EP In The Garden on an unsuspecting world, a short-but-fantastic package of rip-roaring garage punk which suggested that the band's next LP would have more in common with the frantic psycho-rock of 2002 debut Horse of the Dog than 2004's more calm and considered follow up The Royal Society.

Highlights are album opener and lead single Love Turns To Hate is an impressive starting post, featuring TEMBLD staples such as Guy McKnight's sinister vocals coming across like Nick Cave's evil dead twin, as he growls over snarling basslines and howling guitars. Mission From God opens with two seconds of gloriously screeching guitar and deathly drums before settling into the kind of disorganised chaos TEMBLD do so well. Under My Chin rumbles along as if posessed by Marilyn Manson, and Monsieur Cutts sees McKnight do away with singing and instead proceeds to howl like a psychopath for two minutes, a semblance of order restored by ferocious drumming. McKnight is clearly having the time of his life on Man For All Seasons, every line sounding like it is being uttered with an evil grin. Album closer Are You Living almost enters Arctic Monkeys territory with its indie-pop riff, until motorcycle engine guitars show up to provide the song with the kind of snarling angry chorus the band seem to conjure up so effortlessly.

Overall this album is a triumphant return, and is more of a relative of Horse of the Dog than of The Royal Society. Although it does sound slightly too polished in parts, it generally has the moody swagger to appease most TEMBLD fans.

Overall Rating - 8/10

Charity Shop Soundsystem

In an attempt to make my life slightly less tedious, I have decided to scour the CD sections of charity shops, markets and other such vendors of unwanted shit with the aim of building a better than average collection, one which covers all musical bases and will be the envy of any self-respecting music fan. To start with I have decided to only purchase CDs by artists which I am aware of or have been a fan of in the not too distant past. My first few additions are as follows....

• Where is the Love by The Black Eyed Peas

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, Will.I.Am, Fergie, the one that looks like a lizard and the other one were not purveyors of bleep-ridden space pop, but wanted nothing more than to save our fair planet and rid it of such evils as war, poverty and racism. "Infecting childrens minds faster than bacteria" commented Will.I.Am, as he laments how the youth of today are being dumbed down by the constant cycle of violence and sex in the westeren media. It's worht mentioning that Will.I.Am's concerns didn't last an awful long time as a couple of years later he and Fergie-Ferg debated on My Humps about how to make best use of "all that breasts inside that shirt", a song which laughs in the face of both childhood innocence, and indeed grammar if that line is anything to go by.


"So Fergie, about all that breasts inside that shirt....."

• Bad Boy 4 Life by P.Diddy

"I'm the definition of half man half drugs!" proclaims the artist formally known as Sean Combs. It is unknown how much truth there is in this outlandish claim, but one gets the feeling he was not intending to be taken literally. A bass-heavy guitar hook keeps this track interesting, and the big-budget video features 'comedy' actor Ben Stiller.


Wanker.

• Let Me Blow Ya Mind by Eve featuring Gwen Stefani

Rapper/Actress Eve teams up with a pre-solo superstardom Gwen Stefani in this laid-back effort. Produced by Dr Dre, Gwen and Eve do a fine job of sounding like two ladies you would not want to run into on a Saturday night, and the video sees the pair causing all kinds of trouble at a formal party, with the rich white folk less than impressed at the sight of a couple of booty bitches. Also, does Gwen Stefani actually age? Or has she looked the same since she was a child? The woman barely even looks real most of the time, she is like the worlds most irritating porcelain doll.

• Perfect Gentleman by Wyclef Jean

Before he joined the Black Eyed Peas and changed his name to Will.I.Am, ex-Fugee and the world's most famous Haitian Wyclef Jean had a fine line in upbeat dance-pop, this being the highlight. In this one, Mr Jean has fallen for a pole-dancin' skank and wants nothing more than to take said skank and "e-e-e-eeeelope to Meh-eh-ehhhhhico", the tale told over a sunkissed synth hook and booty-bouncin' rhythm.

• Kerrang! magazine's Sounds of 2002

I could not resist picking up this collection of bands which veteran rock mag Kerrang! (The ! is silent) thought would shape the musical landscape of 2002. The track listing is a mix of god-awful shit that inexplicably went on to be very successful (Nickleback, Biffy Clyro), vaguely well-known bands who also had a fair amount of success (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Hives, Killswitch Engage) and a lot of other bands which never reached the heights Kerrang! predicted for them. Andrew WK pops up with a song called It's Time To Party, and yes, it sounds exactly the same as Party Hard, although obviously about a hundreth as good.

I'll be raiding the bargain bins in the near future in my quest to put together a CD collection which no one would be proud of, especially if the first five additions are anything to go by....

Some more songs I like.

LETHAL BIZZLE - POW!

Existing in the days before grime music won BRIT awards and sounded like Usher, Pow! is every bit as explosive as it's title suggests. A highly-charged combo of hand-claps, synth stabs and machine gun vocals come together to create a sound so energetic that many clubs were banned from playing the song, such was the level of hysteria it's arrival created.

GZA - FAME

Twisting the names of many an icon, the man also known as Genius tells a tale of, well, nothing much, but the sheer inventiveness of his lyrics mean that this track never ceases to amaze, especially in the bling & bitches world of modern rap music. A few of the play on names sound fairly ropey, but for the most part lines such as "Chris Tucker to a show, Ted Turner to a ho" and "Sean Combs through the evidence just to get a clue/with a needle from outta Eartha's Kitt" flow so smoothly one wonders how the likes of 50 Cent even have the nerve to release records when their shit is so embarrassingly inferior.

ICE CUBE - A GANSTA'S FAIRYTALE

Similar in concept to Fame, Ice Cube remiagines the cuddly characters of children's nursery rhymes as hookers, killers and dealers. Humpty Dumpty doesn't just sit on the wall, he smokes a joint and drinks some 8-Ball. The lady who lives in a shoe "sells dope out the front, round the back's a marijuana crew"and Snow White is shagging her dwarves. It's not big, but it is clever. And very funny.

TIMBALAND & MAGOO - COP THAT SHIT

In which Missy Elliott flows with more effortless swagger than any of her male counterparts, accusing her peers of "not having the bait that it takes to hook this" and informing the listener of her fresh-smelling nether reigons. And if someone ever brings up how weak Timabland sounds these days, play this and remind them that once upon a time Timbaland produced shit as amazing as this every day.

BUSTA RHYMES - LIGHT YA ASS ON FIRE

Back in the early-to-mid 2000s, The Neptunes were producers du jour for everyone from Britney Spears to Busta Rhymes, and it was with Busta that they produced this space-bass smut-fest. Backed up by production that will probably sound ahead of its time in the year 2519, Busta is in full-on deviant mode, seemingly transfixed by a young lady's behind, opining that she "probably needs a tractor just to carry that ass" and promising to "get deeper than a Navy Seal."

Some Music I Like At The Moment

• MC LYTE - RUFFNECK

A fine slice of late eighties/early nineties hip hop from the hideously underrated MC Lyte. Apparently, Lyte wants a ruffneck, a street way of saying she wants a complete bastard. I wish Lyte called the track 'Bastard', just so I could hear her say the word bastard over and over in that fine accent of hers.

• MAJOR LAZER - KEEP IT GOIN' LOUDER

If this song doesn't fill you with joy and goodwill you are an empty shell of a human being with no soul and a piece of brick where a heart should be. I've been playing this song pretty much on repeat for about 6 months and i still find myself enjoying it more and more with every listen. The video is fucking horrifying though.

• TEMPA T - NEXT HYPE

TEEEEEEEMMMMMMPPPPPPPZZZZZZZZZZ! A track featuring the kind of lyrics the Daily Mail would describe as SICK FILTH and demand to be BANNED if they ever became aware of its existence, Tempz's tales of petty murder and car jacking are almost uncomfortably frank, but who cares when it sounds this good? What pulls me in is Tempz's sheer energy and enthusiasm, as well as the fact that it is refreshing to hear that not every grime artist has to sacrifice their originality and end up sounding like another American ringtone-rap clone [Tinchy? Chipmunk?] to succeed. A quite funny video as well, shame about Tim Westwood though. Not just in this video, I mean shame about Tim Westwood in general.

• DATSIK & DOWNLINK - AGAINST THE MACHINES

For those who, like me, like their dubstep to drop and wobble and whomp-whomp and wobble some more. The bass on this is so bloody massive Helen Keller herself would have found it a challenge not to throw some moves.

QUESTION.... How does one dance to dubstep?...

• SLIPKNOT - SURFACING

The double pedal towards the end of the song is reason enough for this song to be classed as FUCKING FANTASTIC. I don't even give a shit about how uncool Slipknot are, songs like Surfacing and Eyeless and People = Shit and Wait & Bleed are the dogs bollocks, make no mistake.

It's Festival Season

As per usual, I cannot afford to get to any of the major festivals this year, which irritates me greatly. But which field would I be pitching my tent in if my financial situation wasn't completely dire? Here are a selection of the major UK festivals and their headliners...

• GLASTONBURY

The big daddy of UK festivals, Glastonbury is entering its 40th year of mud-infested debauchery, and features a line-up sure to annoy knuckle-dragging imbecile Noel Gallagher, infested as it is with non-guitar playing interloper Snoop Doog. Gallagher has so far failed to pass his judgement on Tha Doggfather's inclusion. I imagine the reason for his silence has something to do with how badly his criticism of Jay-Z backfired a while back, with Jigga recieving a huge ovation from the Glasto crowd, the hightlight being his [admittedly ropey] cover of tedious Oasis track Wonderwall. Glasto organisers Michael and Emily Eavism, unlike Gallagher, do not live under a rock and know full well that in the year 2010, hip-hop belongs in the mainstream just as much as tiresome pub-rock. It was a tough task to find a name bigger than Jay-Z, but in Snoop Dogg they have found a worthy successor.

Joining Snoop on the Pyramid stage are [among many others] pompous douchelord Bono and the rest of U2, East London' finest, Dizzee Rascal, confirming, as if confirmation was needed, that he has graduated to the top table of UK music, soul legend Stevie Wonder, guitar hero Slash and pretentous space-rock prog rockers Muse. Personally, I would be more enamoured with witnessing Mos Def [Friday, West Holts] A1 Bassline [Annie Mac's Opening Party on Thursday] Rusko [Friday on the West Dance Stage] and Foals [Saturday on the Jon Peel stage]. But this is the beauty of Glastonbury. Every single taste in music is catered for, such is the sheer scale of the event. Personally, if someone were to offer me tickets for every festival of the summer and tell me I had to pick one, I would beat them down and take all of them, keep the Glasto one and put the rest on eBay, because you seemingly cannot possibly not find something to enjoy.

• READING & LEEDS

The headliners of this year's R&L are incredibly hit and miss. I'm sure there will be a lot of people excited about Guns n Roses, but personally I would have no interest in seeing a washed-up Axl Rose and a group of musical mercenaries. Ditto Blink 182, a band I didn't really much care for back then and I certainly don't much care for now. Canadian eccentrics Arcade Fire are also here, along with vile pop-metal irritants Paramore, the excellent Queens of the Stone Age and recently-reformed British rock royalty The Libertines. Further down the line-up there is a mini 90s revival taking place revival theme with Limp Bizkit, Weezer, Cypress Hill and NOFX all making an appearance on the main stage.

On the NME/Radio 1 stage [there are 2 brands which send a shudder down one's spine] we have a suprisingly good line up, my personal highlights being Godlike Genius [in my eyes anyway] Serj Tankian, new-rave progenitors Klaxons and bleep merchants Crystal Castles. Pendulum, as disagreeable as their more recent material has been, are worth a look if not just for when they play the Hold Your Colour-era tracks, Foals are riotously enjoyable live and Kele Okereke's solo material may be worth a listen.

Would I pay the really quite lare asking price for a ticket to Reading or Leeds? If I were to base my decision solely on the quality of the musicians on show, my answer would have to be no. For me, the line up is just not good enough to warrant such a large amount of my hard-earned being handed over.

• V FESTIVAL

V festival has always been seen as a corporate-centric event, more suitable for families and children than the more hardcore festival experience of Glasto or R&L. This attitude is refelected in the line-up, the names of which are regular fixtures in the nation's music charts. While the last couple of years has seen their musical output decrease markedly in quality, Kings of Leon would still be worth a look on the strength of their earlier work. Along side them are Kasabian, who like KoL have evolved into one of the biggest names in the UK music industry [I know KoL are American, but they are still pretty huge here]. Most of the rest of V Festival is sadly choc-a-bloc with rock/pop drudgery, such as Stereophonics, The Kooks, Scouting for Girls and Editors. Florence and her relentless money-making Machine may be worth a look, as will Robyn and..... ummm..... nope, that's it. Not a single other name catches my eye here. As I said, V Festival reads as who's who of British pop music of the past year. Mika, La Roux, Kate Nash, Sugababes, Pixie Lott etc. It's just not very interesting to me. And certainly not worth the asking price. As i said, one for families looking for a nice day out. And there is nothing wrng with that. It's just not for me.

• WIRELESS

Featuring a more hip-hop centric line up than most, the big names being Snoop Dogg, Jay Z, Missy Elliott and D12 alongside other names from the pop and rock world such as Pink, Lily Allen, The Gossip, The Ting Tings and Friendly Fires. Slightly leftfield inclusions include pop-punk Americans Bowling for Soup and Slash.

For 2 reasons, Wireless would be my festival of choice out of these events. One, Missy Elliott. I love Missy Elliott too much to not go to this [but I'm not, so that kinda defeats that point..] and two, the location [Hyde Park, London]. And the prices aren't too shabby either. Of course, you aren't getting as much as you would at many of the bigger events, but that is reflected in the sigificantly cheaper price for a weekend-long stay [£105].

• GLADE

Catering mainly for the danceheads among us as well as a big emphasis on art, Glade is one of the up and coming festival experiences that the UK has to offer. This year's musical treats come courtesty of electro stalwarts Simian Mobile Disco, Drum & Bass legend DJ Zinc, Dance veterans Orbital and rip-hopping Bristolian Tricky. Alongside the music there will be theatre performance art and much more besides, making this an attractive proposition if you are looking for an alternative to being knee-deep in mud and getitng your shit stolen from your tent.

Personally, glade isn't something I would be interested in, mainly because I don't have enough of an interest in both the art side and the music side of what they are offering. And the price, £125 for the weekend, I feel is slightly too much considering what is on show.

Of the festivals I've covered, I would have to plump for Wireless, the reasons being the low price and the location. As it is, I will probably have to plump for none, and sit at home while everyone else enjoys the great music and what not. Fuckers.

Is a school massacre storyline out of the question?...

Why is everyone so utterly in love with Glee? MAN, IT IS SO ANNOYING. Everything about it is just so over the top, so camp, so irritating and grating and unfunny. I hate how every week a gaggle of easily-persuaded morons lap this shit up in CD/MP3 form and give this shit the publicity and credibility it scarcely even deserves. I reckon the makers of this garbage are laughing their balls off at how easy they have it. What do they have to do? Most of the show is already written for them, what with every episode just being a load of ugly outcasts butchering every semi-popular song of the past 30 years.

Actually, you know what is worse than Glee?

NOTHING.

Not a thing on earth is as face-achingy bad as this shit.



I want to beat every single one of these people to death with the severed head of the person next to them. Especially that wretched little homo at the bottom in the middle. Closely followed by that cretin with the glasses and the face of a brain-damaged camel.