Two Things Pissed Me Off Today

Handsfree Kits-

When did it become so goddamn impossible to put a phone to your ear and speak? It worked pretty well for many decades, so why do so many people insist on fannying around with a handsfree kit? The only people I see actually using a handsfree kit are people WHOSE HANDS ARE FREE. They make perfect sense if you are driving or carrying logs or whatever other activity requires the use of your hands. Ironically enough, I watch the average gaping arsehole who sits on the train with a kit attached, and the only thing he is using his hands for is to endlessly adjust the fucking handsfree kit he is using in order for his hands to be free. It makes no sense! Think about it you moron. The very thing you are using to negate the use of your hands is the very thing that is requiring the use of your hands, renering the whole thing an enormous waste of time! My hatred for these people stems from one specific incident I witnessed about 6 months ago, in which some hideous boneheaded hog sat opposite me on the bus tried to make a phonecall using her handsfree kit. When the person she was bothering answered, she started hollering "CAN YOU 'EAR ME??!?!" over and over like some kind of obese parrot. She then wiggled the wire around a bit, before doing the exact same thing again. This went on for around 90 seconds, by which point I was seriously considering making this dickhead bleed. Eventually, she gave up on her handsfree and put the phone to her ear. She then excitedly hollered something along the lines of "OOOHH, I CAN 'EAR YA NAAAAAHHHHH! 'OLD ON DAHHHLLLINNNNN!" and attempted to reconnect the handsfree kit once more. It was a this point that I was at my stop and was able to escape this utter fool before I lost my shit and choked her to death. Another problem with these things is that it is now markedly more difficult to differentiate between a lazy bastard talking into a wire or a genuine psychopath talking to an invisible fairy. This has made my day something of a minefield, since I live and work in two areas of London with a high concentration of nutters.

Incidentally, my favourite ever handsfree kit was one I saw been used by an old Asian lady recently, who had clipped her phone case to the side of her headscarf. Her hands were free, but whatever. She looked cool as fuck.


Inconsiderate Train Passengers-

Get on a train in London at rush hour, and you are almost guaranteed to have no fucking room to move whatsoever. Every single carriage is filled with about 18,135 more people than they are designed to accomodate. Your feet are planted to the spot. Move an inch in any direction and you are gonna be crushing someone's toes. Got an itch on your face? Tough shit. Your arms are pinned to your sides and there isn't anything you can do about it. And no matter which direction you look in, there will definitely be a damp armit in close proximity to your nostrils. Basically, there is no fucking room to do anything. But that isn't to say there isn't people who will try. Far from it. For some reason I cannot fathom, every single one of these journeys will feature some inconsiderate tit with a pathological desire to read a news paper right there, right then. This idiot will stand there with the paper about 1/100000th of an inch from his face, reading away like a twat. The problems begin when he begins the complex task of turning the page. In such close proximity to other people, this usually descends into a festival of tuts and sighs as this paper-reading cunt elbows everyone within a 12 inch radius repeatedly.

Love Hackney

In the past few months, these things have happened in Hackney, where I work;

• On my day off last week someone in my place of work, a customer, saw a smart looking satchel-cum-briefcase type thing lying around, and sensing it may be holding a laptop, picked it up and fucked off. They then returned later, saying that the bag contained no valuable electronics and was infact full of paper and documents so they didn't want it.

• Just today, a bizarre looking drunkard wandered into my shop and shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BLACK SHIT" in a shop of predominantly black customers. He asked me if he could use the toliet, but this man looked like a scabby vile junkie and was using some appaling language and his attitude was stinkin', so I lied and told him they were out of order. He countered by asking me "do you want me to piss in the corner of the shop?" and I told him I'd rather he didn't. He then levelled some more racist abuse at a Chinese man and left, telling me he would piss outside.
  

• A man asked me for change to put toward getting a taxi to the local hospital because he had injured his arm in a bike accident. Before i even had time to react [my reaction was to ignore him] he stood in front of me, rolled up his sleeve and showed me a gash which was about 5 or 6 inches long and very VERY deep. It's a goddamn miracle I didn't vom all over him, because it was fucking rank. The strange thing was that although his arm was mashed up, his sleeve and indeed the rest of his body were completely unharmed. And the wound was clearly quite old, what with the dried blood all over his arm and hands.

• A classy lady spat at me [but missed] because I couldn't change a £10 note.

• Another classy lady left faeces all over the floor and walls of our customer toilet.

• An elderly gentleman of Jamaican descent spent the whole day telling me that he was not black and I was colourblind and all black people were uncivilised dishonest thieves who should all be sent away on a boat which should be sunk in the ocean, and to achieve this he will be voting for the BNP.
  

All of these things genuinely happened to me in the past few months. You can say a lot of things about East London, but you could never call it boring.