BOO-HOOING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

"We made a decision simply because he gets terrible abuse here. We don't want to subject him to that"

Oh, boo fucking hoo. So what if a load of empty headed moronic halfwits want to sing songs about how you went out and boffed some slags while your pregnant wife was at home carrying your child? Wayne Rooney must earn like, £100,000 per week. For that money it should be a legal obligation that overweight commoners scream things like "PRICK!" or "CUNT!" or "BASTARD!" at you every time you step outside your 12412-bedroom principality that you call a home. Seriously, for that kind of money I would allow every opposition supporter in the country to kick me in the throat. All Wayne Rooney has to do it take his dick out of a prostitute long enough to play football for 90 minutes and train for a couple of hours a day. Infact, here is a list of tasks that any human being should be legally forced to carry out when earning anything close to £100,000 per week;

* Eat stinging nettles that have been pickled in the ball sweat of overweight sexual deviants.

* Build 4 houses per every paycheck received. This rule is open to interpretation, for example the individual could build 6 small houses like bungalows, or one block of 3-storey apartments.

* Watch every episode of King of Queens. Twice.

* Cheat on you wife/partner. (Whoops, this one seems to already exist!)

* Drink a saucer of buffalo piss.

* Watch this AWFUL movie that is on the TV at the moment. Srsly, it's horrific. I'd do all of the above things just to avoid watching anymore of this garbage.


I feel that none of these things are too much to ask when you are taking home almost half a million a month. But GOD FORBID some strangers call you names. I cannot help but think that the best way to avoid having your feelings hurt with words (which, let's not forget, WILL NEVER HURT YOU! Not like those dastardly sticks and stones, which will break the shit out of your bones) is to not have sex with cheap-ass slappers whose only intention is to take a wad of cash from the N**s of the W***d in return for a series of lurid stories built entirely on puns relating to the victim's profession, for example, if the story is about a Formula One driver, the whore will say something like "Usually he is in pole position, but that night he had me positioned on his pole ALL NIGHT LONG!" like the name of an episode of a pornographic episode of Jerry Springer. It's like, I don't want people to think that I am a rapist or a murderer. So to achieve this, I don't rape or murder people. It's the most effective way in my opinion.

Two Things Pissed Me Off Today

Handsfree Kits-

When did it become so goddamn impossible to put a phone to your ear and speak? It worked pretty well for many decades, so why do so many people insist on fannying around with a handsfree kit? The only people I see actually using a handsfree kit are people WHOSE HANDS ARE FREE. They make perfect sense if you are driving or carrying logs or whatever other activity requires the use of your hands. Ironically enough, I watch the average gaping arsehole who sits on the train with a kit attached, and the only thing he is using his hands for is to endlessly adjust the fucking handsfree kit he is using in order for his hands to be free. It makes no sense! Think about it you moron. The very thing you are using to negate the use of your hands is the very thing that is requiring the use of your hands, renering the whole thing an enormous waste of time! My hatred for these people stems from one specific incident I witnessed about 6 months ago, in which some hideous boneheaded hog sat opposite me on the bus tried to make a phonecall using her handsfree kit. When the person she was bothering answered, she started hollering "CAN YOU 'EAR ME??!?!" over and over like some kind of obese parrot. She then wiggled the wire around a bit, before doing the exact same thing again. This went on for around 90 seconds, by which point I was seriously considering making this dickhead bleed. Eventually, she gave up on her handsfree and put the phone to her ear. She then excitedly hollered something along the lines of "OOOHH, I CAN 'EAR YA NAAAAAHHHHH! 'OLD ON DAHHHLLLINNNNN!" and attempted to reconnect the handsfree kit once more. It was a this point that I was at my stop and was able to escape this utter fool before I lost my shit and choked her to death. Another problem with these things is that it is now markedly more difficult to differentiate between a lazy bastard talking into a wire or a genuine psychopath talking to an invisible fairy. This has made my day something of a minefield, since I live and work in two areas of London with a high concentration of nutters.

Incidentally, my favourite ever handsfree kit was one I saw been used by an old Asian lady recently, who had clipped her phone case to the side of her headscarf. Her hands were free, but whatever. She looked cool as fuck.


Inconsiderate Train Passengers-

Get on a train in London at rush hour, and you are almost guaranteed to have no fucking room to move whatsoever. Every single carriage is filled with about 18,135 more people than they are designed to accomodate. Your feet are planted to the spot. Move an inch in any direction and you are gonna be crushing someone's toes. Got an itch on your face? Tough shit. Your arms are pinned to your sides and there isn't anything you can do about it. And no matter which direction you look in, there will definitely be a damp armit in close proximity to your nostrils. Basically, there is no fucking room to do anything. But that isn't to say there isn't people who will try. Far from it. For some reason I cannot fathom, every single one of these journeys will feature some inconsiderate tit with a pathological desire to read a news paper right there, right then. This idiot will stand there with the paper about 1/100000th of an inch from his face, reading away like a twat. The problems begin when he begins the complex task of turning the page. In such close proximity to other people, this usually descends into a festival of tuts and sighs as this paper-reading cunt elbows everyone within a 12 inch radius repeatedly.

Makes you proud to be British.....

Today I literally had a "WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" moment whilst watching the news on ITV1. As is to be expected, the majority of the news centered around small villages in rural Cumbria, the area where, for the benefit of those who dwell under large rocks, a previously-nondescript middle aged man went apeshit and drove around shooting strangers and ex-colleagues in the face with a hunting rifle. All seemed normal thus far, the presenters rambling on in a soft, hushed monotone as they do when a tragic event has taken place. There was the usual roving reporters stood in the village square or in front of a police cordon telling of a community still in shock over what has happened. There was someone from the local community such as the vicar or a victim's cousin's friend's pet hamster being asked to describe the mood of the local community. This is all par for the course and is to be expected in such an event. What i didn't expect, or think was in any way a good idea, was to have a nine year old boy who had the misfortune to witness one of the victims get shot in the head go in front of ITV's cameras and be asked to recall his memories of the incident. Am I the only person who thinks it is blatantly exploitative to ask a small child to relive such an event for the sake of entertainment? And you've got this soulless heathen of a reporter goading this child into revealing more gory details to the point where you half expect him to ask how many pieces the victim's skull fragmented into upon impact. But this is the way the news is nowadays. The news isn't the news anymore. Like with any movie, any CD, any book, any TV drama series, any soap, we select whether we watch BBC News, ITV News, Sky News or CNN based on which station offers the most interesting narrative or the most outlandish statements. For example, if BBC News are saying things like "Derrick Bird was a quiet but friendly chap with no history of mental illness" and Sky News are saying "DERRICK BIRD TRIED TO CHECK INTO MENTAL HOSPITAL NIGHT BEFORE KILLINGS!" naturally you are going to gravitate towards Sky News' coverage because it is more interesting, more exciting, more entertaining. And that what TV news is these days. Entertainment. Look at all the fancy title sequences, look at how any two-bob celebrity is shoehorned into a news report to give their view on a subject they know fuck all about. It's all about who can say the same thing in the most entertaining way. And the eyewitness report of a nine year old boy is more entertaining than the thoughts of a fuddy-duddy old priest.

It also made me smile in a depressed, resigned kind of a way that, after the reports on this shooting had ended the next item on the agenda was the bombshell that England captain Rio Ferdinand had twonked his knee and was out of the World Cup, the news of which was delivered in the exact hushed monotone I mentioned earlier, the kind of patronising softly-softly voice which usually accompanies stories such as the one above. It says so much about the society we in Britain exist that the news of an athlete on wages of over £100,000 per week has picked up a recoverable knee injury is delivered in the same anguished way as the news that twelve innocent people have been murdered for no good reason.

Customary anti-BNP ranting

***BNP leader Nick Griffin has been secretly filmed out on the far-right party's campaign trail, where he compared east London to Nairobi.

The BNP is well known for having controversial policies, but it would appear the party also has controversial opinions when it comes to canvassing voters.

An undercover reporter from the People tabloid recorded what happened when senior party member Richard Edmonds was out leafleting in Dagenham.

When a woman told him she would not vote BNP, Mr Edmonds' response as he walked away was: "Silly ******* aren't they? Maybe she's got a black kid you see?

"Or maybe her sister's got a black kid? That I think is always the explanation around here.

"Once they go with blacks, they're part of the black tribe.

"Wicked, horrible, stupid. I've seen it many, many times."

Mr Griffin was also filmed talking about canvassing in Barking, where he is trying to oust Labour's Margaret Hodge.

"Yes, it's something like leafleting central Nairobi isn't it, I'm afraid," he said.

A spokesman for the BNP said the remarks were made after Mr Edmonds had been verbally abused in the street.

They party did not want to comment further on the filming.

At its manifesto launch last week, the BNP insisted it was not a single-issue party.***

Over the past few years, the public profile of the British National Party has steadily increased, culminating in it's esteemed leader, Nick Griffin, being invited to take part in a televised debate on Question Time, a long-running British TV institution seen every week by millions of British voters. As the episode unfolded, it quickly became clear why, despite being one of the most recognisable characters in this glorified soap opera we call politics, Mr Griffin had a suprisingly small voice in the public forum. It was because he is an brain-dead imbecile. Every time Mr Griffin opened his face hole it was almost as if our world had ceased to exist, and we had entered a brave new world where stupidity and bigotry had no physical limits. The "hightlights" (if such outstanding idiocy can be described as hightlights) for me were his defence of his relationship with a prominent member of the Ku Klux Klan, describing his American counterpart as "one of the non-violent ones" or when he quipped that said Klansman could disguise himself "with a hood". Both comments, might I add, said whilst sat less than 2 feet away from Bonnie Greer, a black American female who was grew up in the era of United States history where public executions of men, women and children of colour by white supremacists was commonplace.

Those two comments alone should leave no sane human being in any doubt as to the sheer scale of stupidity this man operates under. So when I saw the above story with the headline BNP RACISM SHOCK, I could only assume the writer of this piece was a shrewd operator in sarcasm. Let's dissect this article into easy, bite size sections;

"Silly ******* aren't they? Maybe she's got a black kid you see?"

Yeah, that must be it. The blacks must have gotten to her first! This woman must have been a breeding ground of bigotry and hatred until those bloody darkies got to her and polluted her mind with equality and tolerance! SERIOUSLY. Is this how the thought processes of Joe and Jane Racist actually work? Is in inconcievable that someone might actually be a decent, tolerant human being and not have some sort of link to the black community? Well, it is very concievable. But only if you are not as thick as shit. This is where the BNP mindset hits a brick wall, because you cannot support this clap-trap and not be as thick as shit.

"Once they go with blacks, they're part of the black tribe."

The black tribe? THE BLACK TRIBE???!!?!?! That sentence is so utterly mind-bogglingly stupid I think I might start hyper-ventilating. What is he suggesting, that being black is contaigous? I mean, there is stupid, and there is OHMYGOD that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard in all my life and I will never hear anything so retarded ever again. And then there is this. A whole new world, a whole new universe of lunacy. I can't even think of anything to say about this statement, because the English language has yet to evolve to such a level that things like this can be explained with mere language. Why are students throwing eggs at David Cameron when they could be throwing burning bags of used syringes at people like this?

A spokesman for the BNP said the remarks were made after Mr Edmonds had been verbally abused in the street.

THIS IS IT! The money shot, the pay-off, this is the Lionel Messi, the Muhammad Ali, the Usain Bolt of idiocy. This is what would be found in the Large Hadron Collider of stupidity. This one remark. The very idea that such intolerant, prejudiced filth can be justified by a defence of WELL SHE STARTED IT. This is what the BNP are. Overgrown children. But even that is doing a disservice to children, who even from the moment sperm meets egg, are never going to be as stupid as the average BNP supporter.