Excuse me, Mr Dirty, but I feel obliged to inform you that I have the money which I owe you, so please do not worry.

A somewhat over-analytical overview of the classic track Got Your Money, by sadly deceased psychopath Ol' Dirty Bastard.

"

The song is initially dedicated exclusively to the world's population of attractive females, until ODB seems to have pangs of guilt for not including ladies who might be considered 'homely' or 'ugly,' so he decides to include them, with the encouraging words, 'to me, you pretty anyway, baby.' The artist begins the song by expressing his harsh disdain for women whom he meets, who initially appear to be interested in him, yet later express a reversal of opinion. He then transitions into a discussion about how women sometimes imply they are carrying one's child, although the DNA tests may not yet have come back conclusively.

ODB then expresses some confusion with respect to the morality of the situation, but he is able to remedy this by presenting his Cristal brand of champagne, and urging the patrons to disarm themselves, because ODB does not approve of such violence. Continuing, it appears at first that there is some mutual attraction between “Dirty” (ODB) and the female patrons in the establishment; however, it soon becomes apparent to Dirty that the females only wish to use him for a shot at music video stardom. Despite his knowledge of their ulterior motives, ODB’s primary interest remains focused on dancing, and he tries to perpetuate his image as one who should not be taken lightly. He acknowledges a lack of intellectualism, although he claims that this is superseded by his natural charisma.

The females in the establishment start admiring Dirty for his assets, which just causes Dirty to return to the situation at hand: his money. He asks for the females’ assistance in rectifying the situation, and subsequently asks them to expose their nether regions. Dirty finishes off the song with some nonsensical lyrics, that clearly imply his rising anger for the missing money."

The line there near the end which I've highlighted is completely and utterly my favourite moment in a piece of writing full to the brim of outstanding use of the English language. Bravo, Wordsworth.

Here be the song/video to which this clap-trap refers;

BOO-HOOING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

"We made a decision simply because he gets terrible abuse here. We don't want to subject him to that"

Oh, boo fucking hoo. So what if a load of empty headed moronic halfwits want to sing songs about how you went out and boffed some slags while your pregnant wife was at home carrying your child? Wayne Rooney must earn like, £100,000 per week. For that money it should be a legal obligation that overweight commoners scream things like "PRICK!" or "CUNT!" or "BASTARD!" at you every time you step outside your 12412-bedroom principality that you call a home. Seriously, for that kind of money I would allow every opposition supporter in the country to kick me in the throat. All Wayne Rooney has to do it take his dick out of a prostitute long enough to play football for 90 minutes and train for a couple of hours a day. Infact, here is a list of tasks that any human being should be legally forced to carry out when earning anything close to £100,000 per week;

* Eat stinging nettles that have been pickled in the ball sweat of overweight sexual deviants.

* Build 4 houses per every paycheck received. This rule is open to interpretation, for example the individual could build 6 small houses like bungalows, or one block of 3-storey apartments.

* Watch every episode of King of Queens. Twice.

* Cheat on you wife/partner. (Whoops, this one seems to already exist!)

* Drink a saucer of buffalo piss.

* Watch this AWFUL movie that is on the TV at the moment. Srsly, it's horrific. I'd do all of the above things just to avoid watching anymore of this garbage.


I feel that none of these things are too much to ask when you are taking home almost half a million a month. But GOD FORBID some strangers call you names. I cannot help but think that the best way to avoid having your feelings hurt with words (which, let's not forget, WILL NEVER HURT YOU! Not like those dastardly sticks and stones, which will break the shit out of your bones) is to not have sex with cheap-ass slappers whose only intention is to take a wad of cash from the N**s of the W***d in return for a series of lurid stories built entirely on puns relating to the victim's profession, for example, if the story is about a Formula One driver, the whore will say something like "Usually he is in pole position, but that night he had me positioned on his pole ALL NIGHT LONG!" like the name of an episode of a pornographic episode of Jerry Springer. It's like, I don't want people to think that I am a rapist or a murderer. So to achieve this, I don't rape or murder people. It's the most effective way in my opinion.

Two Things Pissed Me Off Today

Handsfree Kits-

When did it become so goddamn impossible to put a phone to your ear and speak? It worked pretty well for many decades, so why do so many people insist on fannying around with a handsfree kit? The only people I see actually using a handsfree kit are people WHOSE HANDS ARE FREE. They make perfect sense if you are driving or carrying logs or whatever other activity requires the use of your hands. Ironically enough, I watch the average gaping arsehole who sits on the train with a kit attached, and the only thing he is using his hands for is to endlessly adjust the fucking handsfree kit he is using in order for his hands to be free. It makes no sense! Think about it you moron. The very thing you are using to negate the use of your hands is the very thing that is requiring the use of your hands, renering the whole thing an enormous waste of time! My hatred for these people stems from one specific incident I witnessed about 6 months ago, in which some hideous boneheaded hog sat opposite me on the bus tried to make a phonecall using her handsfree kit. When the person she was bothering answered, she started hollering "CAN YOU 'EAR ME??!?!" over and over like some kind of obese parrot. She then wiggled the wire around a bit, before doing the exact same thing again. This went on for around 90 seconds, by which point I was seriously considering making this dickhead bleed. Eventually, she gave up on her handsfree and put the phone to her ear. She then excitedly hollered something along the lines of "OOOHH, I CAN 'EAR YA NAAAAAHHHHH! 'OLD ON DAHHHLLLINNNNN!" and attempted to reconnect the handsfree kit once more. It was a this point that I was at my stop and was able to escape this utter fool before I lost my shit and choked her to death. Another problem with these things is that it is now markedly more difficult to differentiate between a lazy bastard talking into a wire or a genuine psychopath talking to an invisible fairy. This has made my day something of a minefield, since I live and work in two areas of London with a high concentration of nutters.

Incidentally, my favourite ever handsfree kit was one I saw been used by an old Asian lady recently, who had clipped her phone case to the side of her headscarf. Her hands were free, but whatever. She looked cool as fuck.


Inconsiderate Train Passengers-

Get on a train in London at rush hour, and you are almost guaranteed to have no fucking room to move whatsoever. Every single carriage is filled with about 18,135 more people than they are designed to accomodate. Your feet are planted to the spot. Move an inch in any direction and you are gonna be crushing someone's toes. Got an itch on your face? Tough shit. Your arms are pinned to your sides and there isn't anything you can do about it. And no matter which direction you look in, there will definitely be a damp armit in close proximity to your nostrils. Basically, there is no fucking room to do anything. But that isn't to say there isn't people who will try. Far from it. For some reason I cannot fathom, every single one of these journeys will feature some inconsiderate tit with a pathological desire to read a news paper right there, right then. This idiot will stand there with the paper about 1/100000th of an inch from his face, reading away like a twat. The problems begin when he begins the complex task of turning the page. In such close proximity to other people, this usually descends into a festival of tuts and sighs as this paper-reading cunt elbows everyone within a 12 inch radius repeatedly.

NO ALBUM ARTWORK

Most people sleep when they are tired. Not me though. Rather than go to bed like any rational tired person, I instead tend to find myself wading through the vast trough of sewage that is the world wide web, looking at nothing in particular and cursing the fact that I'm going to wake up the following morning for work feeling like shit. BUT NOT TODAY. For you see, two great things have happened on this Friday night. ONE, no work tomorrow. and TWO, I've found a website which basically exists to bring together the most ridiculous album covers ever unleashed on the general public. Here are some of my favourites.






Put yourself in the photographer's position for a second. You're readying the camera, making sure everything is just so, but something isn't quite right. This scene, of Millie Jackson, a middle aged woman on the toilet with her panties around her ankles, is just a little too harsh. The solution? A nice vase with some fresh flowers in. It's just a very nice touch. Also, what is Millie Jackson forcing from her bowels that requires the removal of a shoe?



Simple concept here. All of Freddie Gage's friends are, as the large type suggests, dead. So this is conveyed by having Freddie squat in front of a tombstone looking morose, holding what looks like a bible. I like Freddie's shoes/shirt co-ordination, proving that grief need not impact upon your fashion sense. The design of the cover is unfortunate, with the vast swathes of sky blue with a small picture in the centre giving the impression that the picture was shot through a bathroom window.



What is he building, a dungeon to molest children in?



I cannot say anything to justify how amazing this one is, but I will say that such a simple idea has never been executed so perfectly.



I bet being a pop star got this dude tons of girlfriends.



....And you, and you, and you! But not you, you laughed at her face.




So what, is Julie his daughter or his jailbait? Either way, she ain't Sixteen.

Finally, here is the worst cover OF ALL TIME. Srsly, die already.

The most hateful things about the 'Three Lions'.....

• Steven Gerrard made his professional debut in 1998. Before that he played in many youth teams from an early age. Since then he has played in hundreds of football matches and must have watched hundreds more. In thee 12 years since he made his professional debut he has had the benefit of playing alongside many great players and has been schooled by many great coaches. So why is it that he still thinks that the only option available to him when he recieves the ball 25-40 yards of goal is to punt the ball towards goal? Does he realise the men wearing the same clothes as him, running around on the same pitch as him, are team mates that he is by all means permitted to pass to? After all, giving the ball to said team mates may present an opportunity for someone else to put the ball in the back of the net from a more feasible distance that 40 yards away. Its always welcome to see someone leather it into the top corner at 90 mph, but my God I wish 'Stevie G' would occasionally take a second to look around and assess the situation around him before harumphing the ball into row Z like a fucking glory-hunting cretin.

• Adrian Chiles needs to get the fuck off of my TV, like, right now. I'm sick of this hideous freak staring down the camera like a drunk trying to rouse himself from a deep coma. What the fuck is up with his face anyway? He looks like Quasimodo via an unfortunate in-womb trauma. What was wrong with Des Lynam or Steve Rider? Yeah, they didn't gurn down the lens like a moron or try to act like they wanted to be your best friend, but they had dignity and warmth and bought a sense of calm and realism to proceedings. Chiles, on the other hand, seems intent of painting a scene of utter depression and abject disaster. In the 15 minutes half-time analysis although with this being ITV, it was more like 13 minutes of adverts and 3 minutes of intelectually-challenged hyperbole) not once was the more than decent performance of Algeria mentioned.

• Clive Tyldsley (wrong spelling probably, I don't give a shit), the ITV commentator, is a fucking moron. After (along with all of the English media) years of acclaiming Fabio Capello's strict rules regarding disipline in the squad, crediting it as the reason England have played so well in the lead-up to this World Cup, this reactionary brainless fucktard is now blaming England's bad performance on..... Fabio Capello's strict rules regarding disipline in the squad. Apparently, not having slaggy mahogany-coloured bitches in South Africa with them and not allowing the players to video themselves porking a page three models has created "bad harmony within the squad." I'm unsure what evidence Mr Tyldystyyeldedly has of this being the root of England's problems in this one game, but I reckon it has something to do with being more interested in sound-bitey, sensationalist bullshit that actual tactical analysis.
  

• Emile Heskey should be thoroughly ashamed of himself. He must be brain damaged. He must be. What does he do????? He is just SO FUCKING AWFUL. I can genuinely say I have never seen a professional footballer so inept at everything he does. He can't pass, he can't shoot, he can't hold up the ball, he can't run, he can't control the ball, he can't head the ball, he can't cross, he can't do anything. Except fall over his own clown feet. Or take up a spot in the team for footballers who can actually run and control a football simeltaneously. A minute ago, he recieved the ball. He stood still which gave the defender time to advance towards him. He then attempted a stepover which richoched off his own calf and shin. He then shanked the ball out of play while attempting to cross the ball into the box. It's just Emile Heskey personified, in one passage of play. Where is the evidence that Heskey's prescence helps Wayne Rooney play? When have they linked up in this match? Rooney is having just as bad a game as any of the other imbeciles in white tonight.

• I don't usually agree with booing your own team, but I feel like this gaggle of gaping arseholes deserve it on the back of this utterly pathetic showing.
  

What did Missy Elliott ever do to you?

I've developed a slight obsession with an album on Spotify. It's a Missy Elliott album, in a way. Have you ever walked into a £1 shop and heard the music they tend to play? It's well known music, but re-recorded by some tone-deaf cretin for tedious copyright reasons. Well, this Missy album is basically just that. 'A Tribute to Missy Elliott' is the name, and although it is intended as a tribute it's difficult not to think that Missy has somehow wronged these people and this butchering of her finest musical moments is their unintentionally hilarious form of petty revenge.

The performers on show give the impression that they had no idea about what rap music actually is and are trying to pick it up as they go along. Seemingly, they've taken the assumption that rapping is basically just talking in an accent, which is obviously not the case. Speaking of accents, there are some utterly bamboozling dialects on show here, such as on the reimagining of Missy classic Gossip Folks, with a majority of the verses being delivered in a bizarre sort of Jamaican patois/Home Counties hybrid. Or on The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly), when on the line "Beep Beep! Who's got the keys to the jeep? VROOOOOMMMMM", the VROOOOMMMMM being delivered with all the gusto of a narcoleptic trapped in a pyramid scheme seminar. The rap in One Minute Man, originally performed by Ludacris, sounds like the kind of thing that might be churned out on some sort of documentary where a white, middle class MP visits a group of black youths in Hackney or New Cross in which he makes toe-curling attempts to be 'down wit da yoof' by trying his hand at being an MC. My absolute favourite moment occurs on Work It, arguably Missy's finest moment and arguably the finest moment of this so-called tribute. Those familiar with this song will remember the moment in the chorus where Missy promises to "Put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" which is followed by this line repeated in reverse. In the Missy Elliott tribute edition of Work It, the recording budget seemingly did not stretch to playing a 2 second section of the song in reverse, so instead what is heard is a literal interpretation of what it kind of sounds like in reverse. "ISSYOURFLIPANIPPAEVNERMEPPA" is literally what she blurts out, like some kind of demented psychopath.

If this is a tribute, I'd hate to think what would have happened if Missy had actually pissed these people off. Here is a link, in the rare event that anyone reads this/wants to listen to it. [You'll need Spotify on your computer to listen].

Kelis - Flesh Tone

Kelis' latest alum, Flesh Tone, is completely and utterly fantastic. It sees Kelis entering the unfamiliar world of euphoric, poppers o'clock dance music, complete with corny as fuck piano hooks which bring to mind N-Trance's mid-nineties anthem Set You Free and other such shit. As a recent divorcee, one would be forgiven for expecting a new Kelis album to be an endless barage of heart-broken ballads, or perhaps a return to shouty hate-fest Caught Out There, but rather than wallow in divorce-inspired misery Kelis has taken inspiration from the birth of her son. This decision to celebrate rather than comiserate has helped create an album of genuine warmth. Lead single Acapella broods and throbs on a combination of Donna Summer-esque beats and Kelis' breathy vocals and forthcoming single '4th of July (Fireworks)' features a throbbing bass hook which would more than stand its groud on the dancefloor.

Yay for happy Kelis! With the whole of pop music simeltaneously turning to the world of electro house for a sure-fire hit, Kelis and producer Will.I.Am have done extremely well to create an album which stands out so clearly among its peers.

Charity Shop Soundsystem - Update 11/06/2010

Today I picked up four new additions to my bargain bin CD collection, courtesy of a charity shop in Hackney. This outlet's quite vast selection featured such names as Clock (Abhorrent 90s Europop outfit responsible for awful guff such as "Whoomph! (There It Is)" and a cover of Blame It On The Boogie) and dad-rock legends Toploader. I decided to leave these two abominations on the shelf and pick up these four instead.....

• IKARA COLT - CHAT AND BUSINESS

I picked this up because I'm sure someone in the not too recent past has recommended this band to me. Ikara Colt were a London four piece specialising in jerky lo-fi art-punk and pretentious album covers which double up as mini sticker albums. They released two full-length LP's before disbanding in 2005.

• KANO - HOME SWEET HOME

One of the brightest lights in the world of UK hip-hop, Kane Robinson's 2005 debut is an experiemental take on the genre, in which Kano samples Black Sabbath classic 'War Pigs' and gets all soulful on Mike Skinner-featured 'Nite Nite' on a CD which plays as the mischevous younger brother to Dizzee Rascal's genre-defining debut Boy In Da Corner. "You can take me out of the hood, I'll still act like a criminal" vows Kano on 'Typical Me', a line which perfectly sums up the attitude of this album.

• MS DYNAMITE - A LITTLE DEEPER

Mercury Prize-winning debut from Ms Dynamite, who was a bloody big deal for a few months back in 2002. Featuring irritating nonsensical single Dy-Na-Mi-Tee and female liberation anthem Put Him Out, Dynamite never reached anything near the success of her debut CD, instead forging an alternative career as a rent-a-celeb on the reality TV circuit, although she did recently make a musical comeback of sorts as the vocal talent on DJ Zinc's 'Wile Out'.

• THE VINES - HIGHLY EVOLVED

Australian garage rockers The Vines recieved all kinds of acclaim for this, their 2001 debut LP. The Vines found themselves lumped in the lo-fi garage rock scene of the early 21st century along with The White Stripes, The Hives and The Strokes. The grunge vibe running through the album brought inevitable Nirvana comparisons, which is none more obvious than on 'In The Jungle' which almost sounds as though Kurt's passing was all a big misunderstanding and he has been moonlighting in an Australian rock & roll band all this time.

Big Brother as it happens.

9.04pm - So here we are. The end of an era. The last series of the parade of screeching, obnoxious, fame-hungry, desperate, thick imbeciles shitting away the last dregs of diginty for three months so, the end result being a smattering of PA appearances in low-rent nightclubs. Should be a rollercoster ride.

9.06pm - Davina introduces the gaggle of idiots hoping to take up residence in the house.

9.09pm - Davina has entered the house. The diary room chair is modelled to resemble angel wings, and is a vulgar as it is cheap. In the garden sits a bizarre wooden egg. Davina is impressed by the pretty unicorns and fairies.

9.12pm - A strange cutaway segments documents the story of a tree which is now a chest of drawers, which was far too uninteresting to elaborate on.

9.13pm - the first housemate is.... JOSIE! A 25 year old blonde who sounds and looks like Soccer AM's Helen Chamberlain. She seems to like animals and grew up on a farm. She seems to be on the good side of ditzy. She enters the house by screaming repeatedly and jumping around like a lunatic, which should stand her in good stead for the series. She seems vaguely likeable.

9.17pm - Next is STEVE! Now, I noticed him sat in a wheelchair right at the start and said to myself "he's going in the house" and I've been proved right. The cynic in me can't help but think BB chose him because of his disability. I missed the bulk of his intro, but I think he said he lost his legs at war. A beefy, tattooed 'geezer' type, he seems like a genuinely nice fella, as he enters the house in a side door via the diary room. It's unclear whether Josie started screeching like a banshee upon Stephen's entrance or if she hadn't stopped screeching in the five minutes since she entered the house. My money is on the latter.

9.24pm - Adverts. That Carling ad for the World Cup is so horribly trite.

9.28pm - I've just missed the intro for BEN! but what I see is an impossibly posh toff bastard RAH RAH RAH. I'm suprised Ben is available to appear in BB because I was under the assumption he was LITERALLY IN BURMA. Davina just asked some bellends in the audience what they thought, they responding by hollering like morons.

9.30pm - Number 4 is BEYONCE! Not really, it's Rachel. 15 seconds after I wrote that, she revealed she is infact a Beyonce impersonator, although I think she would have more success as a double for Miquita Oliver. She recieves the expected chorus of BOOOOOOOOO!, as most attractive people entering the house usually do.

9.34pm - NATHAN! is next, a dour looking northen monkey who describes himself as a "Jack the Lad", whch automatically makes him a massive prick, which his intro confirms. His crowning glory seems to be the width of his forehead. The thick working class moron gets cheered by the crowd of thick working class morons.

9.38pm - Ads again. It's as to be expected so far, the usual gaggle of airheaded floozies, inspiration stories and pampered poshos who have been selected for the specific goal of creating as much conflict as possible. I just spotted Mr T in the group of hopefuls. I pray to god he doesn't get in because he is clearly a cunt.

9.42pm - Here comes DAVE!, whom I assumed was a lesbian female until he opened his mouth. Oh my God I hate this man. Apparently he used to be a deadbeat druggie mess until he found the man upstairs. He keeps giggling in a really fake way, the kind of giggle people do in sitcoms when the crazy laughter turns in an instant to sobbing uncontrollably.

9.46pm - "I have a huge hunger to be successful" says walking pair of tits CIOMHE!, whose name could well have been chosen by her parents mashing a typewriter with an open palm. Upon admitting she flirts with girls, the BB producer conducting the interview shoots her down superbly, decreeing her an "attention seeker" which she denies. She seems like a dullard.

9.48pm - GOVAN! looks 12 years old. He looks genuinely mortified at his boast of having "a big dick" as he enters the house at quite a speed which is because he is dying for a piss, running to the bathroom before he's even said hello to his housemates.

9.54pm - No one stands out in the irritating bastard stakes yet. Of course, this will not last.

9.56pm - Another one I saw earlier and thought would be selected, SHABBY! is like Oliver Twist and Angus Young's ADHD-riddled lovechild. Shabby because she "looks like shit", she brags about getting "loads of poontang." There be the source of conflict in the house, I reckon. Her general personality, not her lesbianism.

9.59pm - Next up is IFE!, a singer/dancer/performer who spends most of her intro bragging about how successful and beautiful she is. Little Miss Beyonce looks genuinely offended at every female who enters.

10.03pm - Walking Topshop mannequin JOHN! now, who flew for 23 hours from his homeland of Australia to audition for the show. He thinks he looks like David Beckham, which is false. I'm predicing that this hunk of beef will spend 93% of his time walking around with no shirt on, and the other 7% spent lifting his shirt off. Like Beyonce, Ben has a face like a slapped arse every time someone walks in the door.

10.06pm - Preposterously named SUNSHINE! is hateful in a thousand ways. Her whole life seems to revolve around convincing everyone how WACKY! and ZANY! and KOOKY! she is in order to compensate for how bollock-achingly dull she is, hence the vow that she will never eat a kitten, her favourite pasttime of sticking shiny things on her possesions and indeed the name Sunshine. A genuinely crazy person would have changed their name to Juggernaut or Vaginismus or something. Contemptible bitch.

10.10pm - CORIN! says she is 28, which she is not. A mahognay skinned Jordan-alike with a voice that only a deaf person could love. One also suspects that is not her natural skin colour, unless mahogany sideboards and leather saddlebags have discovered a way to copulate.

10.13pm - Davina just hinted at A SHOCKING TWIST! which will probably not involve anything shocking whatsoever. There is a disgusting pink & black cybergoth cunt in the crowd that shouldn't even be allowed to leave her own house, nevermind enter this one.

10.18pm - OOOHHHH! A TOMBOLA. BB, YOU'VE SURPASSED YOURSELF! I reckon it'll feature the names of ex housemates, as the rumours have suggested. Davina just made a terribly unfunny pun about looking at balls. Fuck off Davina.

10.19pm - Oh, I was wrong. Out of the tombola came the name MARIO, a guring excitable imp who looks pretty bewildered at the whole event. "Hello, whoever you are!" says Big Brother, a moniker he should get used to. Mario has been given some tedious mission involving being a mole, the announcement of which was generally drowned out by whooping idiots. And Davina.

10.26pm - Mario is a mole, which naturally means he has entered the house dressed as a mole because otherwise the task would not have been clear enough for viewers.

Fin.

Makes you proud to be British.....

Today I literally had a "WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" moment whilst watching the news on ITV1. As is to be expected, the majority of the news centered around small villages in rural Cumbria, the area where, for the benefit of those who dwell under large rocks, a previously-nondescript middle aged man went apeshit and drove around shooting strangers and ex-colleagues in the face with a hunting rifle. All seemed normal thus far, the presenters rambling on in a soft, hushed monotone as they do when a tragic event has taken place. There was the usual roving reporters stood in the village square or in front of a police cordon telling of a community still in shock over what has happened. There was someone from the local community such as the vicar or a victim's cousin's friend's pet hamster being asked to describe the mood of the local community. This is all par for the course and is to be expected in such an event. What i didn't expect, or think was in any way a good idea, was to have a nine year old boy who had the misfortune to witness one of the victims get shot in the head go in front of ITV's cameras and be asked to recall his memories of the incident. Am I the only person who thinks it is blatantly exploitative to ask a small child to relive such an event for the sake of entertainment? And you've got this soulless heathen of a reporter goading this child into revealing more gory details to the point where you half expect him to ask how many pieces the victim's skull fragmented into upon impact. But this is the way the news is nowadays. The news isn't the news anymore. Like with any movie, any CD, any book, any TV drama series, any soap, we select whether we watch BBC News, ITV News, Sky News or CNN based on which station offers the most interesting narrative or the most outlandish statements. For example, if BBC News are saying things like "Derrick Bird was a quiet but friendly chap with no history of mental illness" and Sky News are saying "DERRICK BIRD TRIED TO CHECK INTO MENTAL HOSPITAL NIGHT BEFORE KILLINGS!" naturally you are going to gravitate towards Sky News' coverage because it is more interesting, more exciting, more entertaining. And that what TV news is these days. Entertainment. Look at all the fancy title sequences, look at how any two-bob celebrity is shoehorned into a news report to give their view on a subject they know fuck all about. It's all about who can say the same thing in the most entertaining way. And the eyewitness report of a nine year old boy is more entertaining than the thoughts of a fuddy-duddy old priest.

It also made me smile in a depressed, resigned kind of a way that, after the reports on this shooting had ended the next item on the agenda was the bombshell that England captain Rio Ferdinand had twonked his knee and was out of the World Cup, the news of which was delivered in the exact hushed monotone I mentioned earlier, the kind of patronising softly-softly voice which usually accompanies stories such as the one above. It says so much about the society we in Britain exist that the news of an athlete on wages of over £100,000 per week has picked up a recoverable knee injury is delivered in the same anguished way as the news that twelve innocent people have been murdered for no good reason.

In Anticipation of 'Maya'.....

After a year spent looking after her newborn baby, Anglo-Sri Lankan controversy magnet Maya Arulpragasm, otherwise known as M.I.A, is to drop her new album, the name of which I think is Maya but is spelled in some bizarre stylized manner which makes pretty much no fucking sense. Two tracks from the album have been released to differing receptions.

Recent single XXXO seems to be another significant step on Maya's journey from underground guerilla-dance oddity to bona fide popstar, the tribal drums and piercing synths combine with her distinctive vocals to create a sound which would not sound out of place on a Britney Spears release. "You want me to be somebody that I'm really not" she hollers repeatedly on a chorus which after a few listens will stamp itself onto your brain and refuse to wash away. "All I know is you leave me wanting more" pines Maya, while also finding space in her story to plug household names such as Twitter, the iPhone and Quentin Tarantino.

Unlike XXXO, Born Free came complete with an accompanying video and in true M.I.A style, courted all kinds of controversy for its depiction of fatties having sex (oh, the humanity!) and the wanton torture of ginger children. For those who haven't viewed it, the video documents a group of hardcore military types rounding up young men of redheaded persuasion and dumping them in a remote desert, where they are ordered to sprint across a minefield. The video's biggest point of contention revolves around the consequences of one boy's refusal to comply with the orders, his punishment making for genuinely shocking and difficult viewing in a time when something genuinely shocking is hard to come by, what with the availabilty on the internet of, amongst many other things, videos of terrorists beheading innocent people in cold blood. Aurally, Born Free is as difficult to listen to as the video is to watch, it is a disorientating mix of marching drums, scattergun vocals and reverb-heavy riffs which seem to intertwine perfecty with the chaotic nature of the video. The fact that it sounds nothing like an M.I.A song is exactly what makes it an M.I.A song. Here is a musician who has never been afraid to experiment and throw something unexpected into the mix and Born Free ticks those boxes perfectly.

I was intending to embed the video, but I've just spent fifteen minutes searching for it and nowhere seems to have an embeddable version of it. Ah well. Here is a link to M.I.A's website where the video can be viewed in its entirety.

The new album drops on July 13th, but this date has changed frequently over the past few weeks so don't be suprised if this turns out to be bullshit. Producers on this album include Rusko, Diplo, Switch and Blaqstarr, which means that this promises to be some of Ms Arulpragasm's best work yet.

Check out M.I.A on Last.FM

Blood and Fire by The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster

The last we heard of psychobilly weirdos Eighties Matchbox, they had unleashed four-track EP In The Garden on an unsuspecting world, a short-but-fantastic package of rip-roaring garage punk which suggested that the band's next LP would have more in common with the frantic psycho-rock of 2002 debut Horse of the Dog than 2004's more calm and considered follow up The Royal Society.

Highlights are album opener and lead single Love Turns To Hate is an impressive starting post, featuring TEMBLD staples such as Guy McKnight's sinister vocals coming across like Nick Cave's evil dead twin, as he growls over snarling basslines and howling guitars. Mission From God opens with two seconds of gloriously screeching guitar and deathly drums before settling into the kind of disorganised chaos TEMBLD do so well. Under My Chin rumbles along as if posessed by Marilyn Manson, and Monsieur Cutts sees McKnight do away with singing and instead proceeds to howl like a psychopath for two minutes, a semblance of order restored by ferocious drumming. McKnight is clearly having the time of his life on Man For All Seasons, every line sounding like it is being uttered with an evil grin. Album closer Are You Living almost enters Arctic Monkeys territory with its indie-pop riff, until motorcycle engine guitars show up to provide the song with the kind of snarling angry chorus the band seem to conjure up so effortlessly.

Overall this album is a triumphant return, and is more of a relative of Horse of the Dog than of The Royal Society. Although it does sound slightly too polished in parts, it generally has the moody swagger to appease most TEMBLD fans.

Overall Rating - 8/10

Charity Shop Soundsystem

In an attempt to make my life slightly less tedious, I have decided to scour the CD sections of charity shops, markets and other such vendors of unwanted shit with the aim of building a better than average collection, one which covers all musical bases and will be the envy of any self-respecting music fan. To start with I have decided to only purchase CDs by artists which I am aware of or have been a fan of in the not too distant past. My first few additions are as follows....

• Where is the Love by The Black Eyed Peas

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, Will.I.Am, Fergie, the one that looks like a lizard and the other one were not purveyors of bleep-ridden space pop, but wanted nothing more than to save our fair planet and rid it of such evils as war, poverty and racism. "Infecting childrens minds faster than bacteria" commented Will.I.Am, as he laments how the youth of today are being dumbed down by the constant cycle of violence and sex in the westeren media. It's worht mentioning that Will.I.Am's concerns didn't last an awful long time as a couple of years later he and Fergie-Ferg debated on My Humps about how to make best use of "all that breasts inside that shirt", a song which laughs in the face of both childhood innocence, and indeed grammar if that line is anything to go by.


"So Fergie, about all that breasts inside that shirt....."

• Bad Boy 4 Life by P.Diddy

"I'm the definition of half man half drugs!" proclaims the artist formally known as Sean Combs. It is unknown how much truth there is in this outlandish claim, but one gets the feeling he was not intending to be taken literally. A bass-heavy guitar hook keeps this track interesting, and the big-budget video features 'comedy' actor Ben Stiller.


Wanker.

• Let Me Blow Ya Mind by Eve featuring Gwen Stefani

Rapper/Actress Eve teams up with a pre-solo superstardom Gwen Stefani in this laid-back effort. Produced by Dr Dre, Gwen and Eve do a fine job of sounding like two ladies you would not want to run into on a Saturday night, and the video sees the pair causing all kinds of trouble at a formal party, with the rich white folk less than impressed at the sight of a couple of booty bitches. Also, does Gwen Stefani actually age? Or has she looked the same since she was a child? The woman barely even looks real most of the time, she is like the worlds most irritating porcelain doll.

• Perfect Gentleman by Wyclef Jean

Before he joined the Black Eyed Peas and changed his name to Will.I.Am, ex-Fugee and the world's most famous Haitian Wyclef Jean had a fine line in upbeat dance-pop, this being the highlight. In this one, Mr Jean has fallen for a pole-dancin' skank and wants nothing more than to take said skank and "e-e-e-eeeelope to Meh-eh-ehhhhhico", the tale told over a sunkissed synth hook and booty-bouncin' rhythm.

• Kerrang! magazine's Sounds of 2002

I could not resist picking up this collection of bands which veteran rock mag Kerrang! (The ! is silent) thought would shape the musical landscape of 2002. The track listing is a mix of god-awful shit that inexplicably went on to be very successful (Nickleback, Biffy Clyro), vaguely well-known bands who also had a fair amount of success (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Hives, Killswitch Engage) and a lot of other bands which never reached the heights Kerrang! predicted for them. Andrew WK pops up with a song called It's Time To Party, and yes, it sounds exactly the same as Party Hard, although obviously about a hundreth as good.

I'll be raiding the bargain bins in the near future in my quest to put together a CD collection which no one would be proud of, especially if the first five additions are anything to go by....

Some more songs I like.

LETHAL BIZZLE - POW!

Existing in the days before grime music won BRIT awards and sounded like Usher, Pow! is every bit as explosive as it's title suggests. A highly-charged combo of hand-claps, synth stabs and machine gun vocals come together to create a sound so energetic that many clubs were banned from playing the song, such was the level of hysteria it's arrival created.

GZA - FAME

Twisting the names of many an icon, the man also known as Genius tells a tale of, well, nothing much, but the sheer inventiveness of his lyrics mean that this track never ceases to amaze, especially in the bling & bitches world of modern rap music. A few of the play on names sound fairly ropey, but for the most part lines such as "Chris Tucker to a show, Ted Turner to a ho" and "Sean Combs through the evidence just to get a clue/with a needle from outta Eartha's Kitt" flow so smoothly one wonders how the likes of 50 Cent even have the nerve to release records when their shit is so embarrassingly inferior.

ICE CUBE - A GANSTA'S FAIRYTALE

Similar in concept to Fame, Ice Cube remiagines the cuddly characters of children's nursery rhymes as hookers, killers and dealers. Humpty Dumpty doesn't just sit on the wall, he smokes a joint and drinks some 8-Ball. The lady who lives in a shoe "sells dope out the front, round the back's a marijuana crew"and Snow White is shagging her dwarves. It's not big, but it is clever. And very funny.

TIMBALAND & MAGOO - COP THAT SHIT

In which Missy Elliott flows with more effortless swagger than any of her male counterparts, accusing her peers of "not having the bait that it takes to hook this" and informing the listener of her fresh-smelling nether reigons. And if someone ever brings up how weak Timabland sounds these days, play this and remind them that once upon a time Timbaland produced shit as amazing as this every day.

BUSTA RHYMES - LIGHT YA ASS ON FIRE

Back in the early-to-mid 2000s, The Neptunes were producers du jour for everyone from Britney Spears to Busta Rhymes, and it was with Busta that they produced this space-bass smut-fest. Backed up by production that will probably sound ahead of its time in the year 2519, Busta is in full-on deviant mode, seemingly transfixed by a young lady's behind, opining that she "probably needs a tractor just to carry that ass" and promising to "get deeper than a Navy Seal."

YOU'RE HAVIN' A LARF, AIN'CHAAAAAA?

The appeal of EastEnders is difficult to explain. A downright bizarre parallell universe whose grip on reality can be placed somewhere between Narnia and a bad acid trip, this is a corner of East London in which exists the world's busiest launderette since no-one seemingly owns a washing machine, ditto a fridge which would explain why there is always at least 80% of the population of Walford in the local cafe at any given time of day. A place where the mantra is less Love Thy Neighbour, more Fuck Thy Neighbour. A place where no one can keep a secret for more than about 14 seconds, which is troublesome in a place where everyone who has the misfortune to pass through it is in some way or another a lying cheating devious bastard with all sorts of unsavoury secrets to hide. A place where the standard form of communication is blind rage and incoherent yelling at one another. A place which seems to be more difficult to escape than the island in Lost. Seriously, there will be maybe 3 or 4 occasions anually when someone will stroll into the market with 392 glossy shopping bags having apparently been down Oxford Street, not to mention the fact that everyone in Walford works within 6 yards of their front door.

Although all these points seem like criticisms, they aren't intended to be. Things have to be this way because EastEnders is a piece of entertainment. Soaps cannot be 'realistic' because lets be honest, real life is fucking boring. What would you rather see, Who Killed Archie or Who Called Archie A Bloody Rotten Bugger And Gave Him The Finger? In reality, most people settle arguments by shouting and swearing. In Walford, disputes are solved by a great big statue to the temple.

My favourite things about EastEnders recently are as follows:

• The Masood Family

The temptation with any soap is to adhere to lazy ethnic stereotypes. For a long time I saw this family as a waste of time, nothing more than the token stereotypical Asians with their own takeaway food business, an attempt to reflect the diverse ethnicity of East London. But the producers threw an unexpectedly fantastic curveball at the Masooods by having their eldest son Syed embark on a passionate affair with local raving homosexual Christian. The shit hit the fan over New Year with Syed's mother Zainab finding out about the affair, in typical soap fashion, on the day of her son's wedding. After a fucking eternity in soap terms, the whole sordid business came out [so to speak] which has sent Zainab batshit insane, disowning her sinful son and wrecking her marriage in the process. It's been a joy to watch Zainab morph from a typically uptight muslim wife and mother to a deranged she-nutter utterly unable to seperate her love for her son from the humiliation he has bought on her family. Recenty she has fritted between reluctantly allowing Syed into the family home, changing her mind and burning all his shit and cooking meals which no one eats, all with the facial expression of a woman who just got slapped in the face with a decomposing seagull carcass. Husband Masood [I've only just realised they refer to him by the family name... So what, is he Masood Masood?....] spends most of the time trying to convince his wife to see reason, doing so with the air of a man who just enjoyed a massive spliff. As for Christian, he has recieved a couple of beatings for his troubles, and seems to spend his days prancing around in a tracksuit which he is far too old to pull off, casting longing glances at Syed whenever their eyes meet across the market.

• Phil and Shirley [and Ben Mitchell]
  

Despite the fact that all they seem to do is argue about how best to deal with Phil's son, dance-crazed poofta Ben and neck bottles of vodka, Phil and Shirley are a wonderful pairing, despite the utter bleakness of their lives. But this is the appeal of them, two people whose lives resemble a train wreck, it's only in the world of soaps that these two middle-aged reprobates could be allowed custody of two young children. Shirley, a lady with a face which could curdle solid brick, and Phil, still pink and rotund as ever, are dealing with psychopath-in-training Ben, who has taken to torturing his younger sister inbetween dressing as Lady Gaga and crying EVERY FIVE FUCKING SECONDS. I really hope the producers stick with Ben Mitchell until he is an adult [Or get rid when he gets to 15 and have him return 3 years later played by someone else] so we can witness first hand his inevitable development into a full-on serial killing nutcase lunatic. And Phillip himself is always worth watching just on the off chance he has a drink and stomps around Albert Square telling peopel it is "time to die!" or accusing characters from the board game Cluedo of murder.

• Danny Mitchell....

.... is leaving! I'm sick and tired of looking at this gormless twat gurn his way through every scene he is in, showing about as much charisma as a kitchen worktop. And, have you seen the face on those lips? What a complete jizz tissue. FUCK OFF NOW. And take Roxy with you. All that bitch seems to do these days is shout at people stood 2 inches in front of her.

• Jack Branning's Miraculous Recovery

It is amazing how a few weeks ago when he took a bullet in the brain, doctors said he would be paralyzed down one side of his face, which led to some unintentionally hilarious scenes when he woke up from his coma and looked like a really shit ventriloquist whenever he tried to talk. BUT LO AND BEHOLD 3 weeks on, his lop-sided face has been cured and he is free to use both sides of his face to try and act with.

• Darren Miller

It was amazing a few weeks ago when Jack got shot and Darren was asked to look for wheelchair-bound tosser Adam but returned with an empty chair and said he"found part of him." One can only assume Adam, in the panic following a gunshot, was crawling down the street outside like some kind of beached eel trying to find the sea.

• Kat Slater is returning

Although the producers saw fit to have Shane Ritchie tag along, the news of which ranks alongside being told you have won the lottery, but Shane Ritchie has to tag along.

• Fatboy

Should be the most irritating little cunt in the existence of intelligent life, but I somehow aspire to be him. BUFF TING.

Some Music I Like At The Moment

• MC LYTE - RUFFNECK

A fine slice of late eighties/early nineties hip hop from the hideously underrated MC Lyte. Apparently, Lyte wants a ruffneck, a street way of saying she wants a complete bastard. I wish Lyte called the track 'Bastard', just so I could hear her say the word bastard over and over in that fine accent of hers.

• MAJOR LAZER - KEEP IT GOIN' LOUDER

If this song doesn't fill you with joy and goodwill you are an empty shell of a human being with no soul and a piece of brick where a heart should be. I've been playing this song pretty much on repeat for about 6 months and i still find myself enjoying it more and more with every listen. The video is fucking horrifying though.

• TEMPA T - NEXT HYPE

TEEEEEEEMMMMMMPPPPPPPZZZZZZZZZZ! A track featuring the kind of lyrics the Daily Mail would describe as SICK FILTH and demand to be BANNED if they ever became aware of its existence, Tempz's tales of petty murder and car jacking are almost uncomfortably frank, but who cares when it sounds this good? What pulls me in is Tempz's sheer energy and enthusiasm, as well as the fact that it is refreshing to hear that not every grime artist has to sacrifice their originality and end up sounding like another American ringtone-rap clone [Tinchy? Chipmunk?] to succeed. A quite funny video as well, shame about Tim Westwood though. Not just in this video, I mean shame about Tim Westwood in general.

• DATSIK & DOWNLINK - AGAINST THE MACHINES

For those who, like me, like their dubstep to drop and wobble and whomp-whomp and wobble some more. The bass on this is so bloody massive Helen Keller herself would have found it a challenge not to throw some moves.

QUESTION.... How does one dance to dubstep?...

• SLIPKNOT - SURFACING

The double pedal towards the end of the song is reason enough for this song to be classed as FUCKING FANTASTIC. I don't even give a shit about how uncool Slipknot are, songs like Surfacing and Eyeless and People = Shit and Wait & Bleed are the dogs bollocks, make no mistake.

Get you vuvuzela out, South Africa 2010 is almost here!

With the World Cup comes great expectation, the hopes of a nation resting on each squad's shoulders. But there can only be one captain lifting the trophy aloft on July 11th. The question every football fan will be discussing from now to the final day is who will that man be?

The usual suspects of Brazil, Argentina, England and Spain are the choice of most, and the likes of France, Portugal, Holland and Germany certainly have the personnel capable of putting any opponent to the sword on a good day. But what of the so-called 'outsiders'? As Greece proved in 2004, the superpowers of international football need not have things their own way every time. But is South Africa 2010 going to end in an unexpected glory? Probably not to be honest, but here is a small selection of the teams which could maybe, just maybe, shock the globe.

• South Africa

PROS...

In last year's Confederations Cup, Bafana Bafana (The Boys, the national team's nickname) proved two points, one being that they have everything in place to be able to host a large-scale football tournament and secondly, that they can compete with the best the world has to offer. Although the records state that their sole victory was against an unquantifiably shit New Zealand, it was the manner of their performances against the footballing behemoths Brazil and Spain which caught the eye, the Spanish needing extra time to squeeze into third place. If they can show similar spirit in the group stage, there is no reason why they cannot get the better of Mexico and Uruguay, and perhaps even what is these days a farcical France side. And if the South Africans need a little inspiriation, the passionate/mentalist supporters will be right behind them, blowing away on those fucking stupid vuvuzelas. Home supports seems to go a long way in these tournaments, so if the team can soak up what promises to be a wildly enthusiastic home support they could be spurred on that extra mile. Steven Pienaar has just finished an excellent season for Everton and has the ability to cause many a centre half some misery, and a little further up the pitch will be Benni McCarthy, who has had a poor season for Blackburn and West Ham, but nevertheless will be a danger with his movement and creativity.

CONS...

Above South Africa in the latest FIFA world rankings are such footballing giants as Haiti, Mozambique, Moldova and Panama. I know as well as any self-respecting football fan that these rankings are a tad misleading, but a world ranking of 90 does certainly indicate that this South Africa squad is quite frankly not very good. Their failure to qualify for this year's African Nations cup is testament to that and the general consensus is that were the World Cup being held elsewhere this time round South Africa would be nowhere near it. Apart from the aforementioned McCarthy and Pienaar, this is a squad patently lacking in skill and experience with a majority of those expected to be called upon playing their club football back home, not exactly ideal preparation for facing the likes of Ribery, Forlan and, er, Carlos Vela. Aaron Mokoena is one of a smattering of players with European experience, as is Bernard Parker, who was impressive in the Confed Cup last summer. Injury to any of these players could prove fatal to South Africa's hopes of progression.


ROAR!

• Nigeria

PROS...

A team boasting a large selection of talented individuals, and a strong spine. Jon Obi Mikel may look like a moron at Chelsea, but he excels for the Super Eagles in the heart of midfield. With Everton' pair Joseph Yobo in the centre of defence and brick shithouse attacker Yakubu up front alongside ex-Newcastle man Obafemi Martins. Also in the mix are much-maligned but dangerous Portsmouth money-grabber John Utaka, Inter Milan loanee Victor Obinna, recent title-winning Marseille left-back Taye Taiwo and talented winger Peter Odemwingie and Nigeria have the foundations of a squad capable of at least getting out of their group. Coach Lars Lagerback has bags of experience of managing in a World Cup, having done it with Sweden on more than on occasion. A good run in the CAF will have certainly raised Nigeria's confidence levels.

CONS...

As with most of the so-called smaller nations, a lack of strength in depth will hinder their chances, with the back up mostly playing their club football in lower-mid table European sides. A lack of an individual capable of a little bit of magic is troubling as well, with no one graduating to take the place of legends such as Jay Jay Okocha or Kanu. Nigeria boast as good an attack as anyone in the tournament, but who is going to provide the ammunition for the likes of Yakubu and Martins?

• United States of America
  

PROS...

The US did in the Confed Cup what South Africa did, but in much more impressive style. After somehow toppling the previously-invincible Spanish in the semi-finals, they then raced into a 2-0 lead over Brazil before ballsing up and finishing as 3-2 runners-up. Whilst it would have been hugely disappointing to let that lead slip away, the US now know they have the talent to make a real impact on the world stage, but they must now find the mentality of winners. Clint Dempsey is harbouring hopes of lifting the Europa League trophy with Fulham, DaMarcus Beasley has won the Scottish League with Rangers and Landon Donovan performed extremely well for Everton in his mid-season loan spell. The USA must hope this experience will translate onto the pitch in South Africa. Infact, a large majority of the national team squad earn their wages in Europe and those who are still in MLS can only be benefitting from the increase in cometition in that league. 'Soccer' in the USA is most definitely on the up, and a strong showing in Africa will ensure that continues. A fairly favourable group draw is another big bonus, with the smart money going on the US to prevail against the weakest African team, Algeria, and arguably the weakest European team, Slovenia.

CONS...

Whilst Tim Howard is a really excellent goalkeeper, the men in front of him are really quite toilet. You have to call bullshit on a defence which includes Jay DeMerit (spent all season in a relegation battle with Watford) Jon Spector (woefully awful, even in a West Ham team of woefully awful players this season) and Oguchi Onyewu (who has spent most of his first year at AC Milan injured and looked pretty shit for Newcastle United in the second part of last season). The aforementioned capitulation against Brazil raises questions over their ability to defend a lead, and indeed their ability to defend. Landon Donovan's one-in-three ratio for the national side is not to be sniffed at, but if he is misfiring where are the goals going to come from? Villarreal's Jozy Altidore has shown no reason to expect he can take up the responsibility in a poor loan spell at Hull City and the rest of the striking options consist of youngsters from the MLS or average European-based plodders.

• Australia

PROS...

With ever-excellent Mark Schwarzer in goal and hard bastards Lucas Neill and Craig Moore in defence, the Aussies have a formidable back wall, which will prove difficult for the likes of Germany, Ghana and Serbia to break down. Ahead of them is Tim Cahill, who will arrive in South Africa fairly fresh after missing a large chunk of Everton's season (a lot of Everton representation in this post, isn't there...). Harry Kewell will be hoping he can manage more than 15 minutes without picking up an injury, and if he manages that he will be hoping to use some of his undoubted creative talents to lay on some chances for Middlesborough's Scott McDonald. Kewell himself, along with Cahill are midfielders with an eye for the goal, so don't be suprised to see those two in the opposition penalty area.

CONS...

A chronic lack of a decent striker. Scott McDonald is not exactly a world-beater, ditto Joshua Kennedy who plays his club football in Japan. Archie Thompson has a decent goal ratio for the Socceroos at first glance until you realise that THIRTEEN of them came in one game almost 10 years ago. You could argue that Cahill could provide cover up front, but his best position is in midfield. Kewell is not a natual goalscorer, and taking either of these player away from their midfield homes would most likely severly stifle the creativity of the team.

• Cameroon

PROS...

Samuel Eto'o. Although he has not scored the obscene number of goals he used to rack up for Barcelona, the Inter Milan man must still be considered on of the best forwards on the planet. A goal ratio of almost 1 in 2 is is testament to his skills. In midfield, Alex Song will be hoping to bring his form for Arsenal to South Africa and the defence boasts huge experience in the shape of ex-Chelsea and Real Madrid right back Geremi and former Liverpool man Rigobert Song. Benoit Assou-Ekotto has performed well for Tottenham this season, occasionally alongside countryman Sebastian Bassong. In goal is Carlos Kameni, who any fans of La Liga will know as a stopper who combines Iker Cassilas-like shot stopping skills with Jens Lehmann-style eccentricity. Which side of Kameni's character keeps goal for the Lions is key to their chances of progression.

CONS...

This Cameroon squad is nowhere near its best at the moment, with too much expectation placed on the tempermental shoulders of Eto'o. If his slight lack of goals for Inter carry over into South Africa, Cameroon could be in trouble. Inbetween a good attack and a good defence sit a midfield lacking a playmaker. If Eto'o is to send Cameroon into the knockout stages, he needs good service and a weak midfield could be the undoing of the Indomitable Lions.

• New Zealand

PROS...

Um.... Fuck knows, quite frankly. A smattering of their players are on the books of English sides, most notably Ryan Nelsen at Blackburn, Rory Fallon at Plymouth and Chris Killen at Middlesborough. As for the rest? Well, it says a lot when there are members of your World Cup squad who aren't even attached to a club. What can I say, apart from good luck. I think that New Zealand should consider anything other than getting mullered 3 times a good result.


(l-r) ?,?,?,?,?,Nelsen,?,?,?,The Goalkeeper,?.

CONS...

They just are not anywhere near good enough to compete. It is only because Australia got sick of putting 62 goals past Vanuatu and the Cook Islands and fucked off to compete with Asia that New Zealand got to this stage. They did beat Bahrain over 2 legs to reach the finals, but to only fulfill one challenging fixture (considering Bahrain a 'challenging fixture' says it all really) should not ensure participation. In my opinion, the Oceania reigon should all be placed into Asian qualifying, New Zealand start from the 1st round of Asian qualifying like everyone else, and all the small island teams should play their own tournament to determine which one of them will join the bigger sides in the 1st round of Asian qualifying. I doubt this will happen because FIFA are moronic.

• Ivory Coast

PROS...

It could be reasonably argued that other than the sides at the top of the betting, Ivory Coast have on paper the best squad around. Petulant sulking genius Didier Drogba is amongst the greatest strikers on the planet and just won the title and the golden boot with Chelsea, team mate Solomon Kalou has finally started to show some promise after years of confusion as to his reason for being at Chelsea. Yaya Toure is a seriously underrated midfielder who would walk into any club side in the world but happens to be behind the likes of Sergio Busquets, Xavi and Iniesta in the Barcelona pecking order. When he can be arsed, Didier Zokora can be a huge nuisance to any defence and winger Gervinho will most likely be on his way to a big side soon, especially if he catches the eye here. Kolo Toure has his critics but can still perform well if he puts his mind to it, and Emmanuel Eboue has the ability to cause trouble. It's my opinion that they can get out of this group behind probable winners Brazil. Portugal are not even close to being the side they were a few years ago, and North Korea are three points waiting to happen. Get the better of Ronaldo and co. and the Elephants could be one to watch. The man charged with getting the best out of this embarrasment of riches is elderly lothario Sven-Goran Eriksson, who was last seen on the international stage trying his level best to make sure Mexico miss out on qualification. A not-at-all money motivated stay at Notts County kept his interests this season, before being asked by the League Two side's much more sensible new owners to take his suffocatingly high wages and kindly piss off. Sven will be hoping to better his England record of two quarter final appearances, which is achievable if he can get the best out of his side.

CONS...

The first choice keeper, Boubacar Barry, is really really shit, which in a group containing amonst others Luis Fabiano, Cristiano Ronaldo and Alexandre Pato must be a point of concern for the Coast. I said that Kolo Toure can be effective if he puts his mind to it, something he has not done too often for Man City this season. The Toure we all knew at Arsenal has at times this year been resembled a slow-minded bumbling imbecile and in tournament football such mistakes are fatal. There have also been reports of divisions within the camp, with the higher earners of the team having their own dressing room clique, ignoring their pauper team mates. Such team spirit (or lack thereof) will do wonders if you are looking to go home early from the World Cup, so Mr Eriksson will have to use all his diplomatic charm to solve that conumdrum.

• Switzerland

PROS...

Coach Ottmar Hitzfeld is a hugely successful manager, winning the Champions League with Borrusia Dortmund and Bayern Munich in the not-too-distant past. At his disposal are a side with enough creative flair to cause some problems. Valon Behrami has flattered to decieve this season for West Ham due to injury but is a player capable of creating chances, Gokhan Inler has been catching the eye of Arsenal due to his performances for Udinese and youthful forward Eren Derdiyok has had a good season at Bayer Leverkusen.

CONS...

As anyone who watched the Swiss in Germany 2006 or Euro 2008 could tell you, Switzerland are fucking boring. It is clear that Switzerland's best form of attack is defence. The strange thing is that they do posess some decent attacking options such as Behrami, Tranquillo Barnetta and veterans Alex Frei and Hakan Yakin, but these players seem to have no interest in playing football. Another issue is relying so heavily on a defence which doesn't contain any outstandingly good defenders. The best of the bunch is Phillipe Senderos, which isn't anything to boast about. This Switzerland side will have to take on Spain in their group, and Spain are far too talented to be stifled by the tactics of the Swiss.

Love Hackney

In the past few months, these things have happened in Hackney, where I work;

• On my day off last week someone in my place of work, a customer, saw a smart looking satchel-cum-briefcase type thing lying around, and sensing it may be holding a laptop, picked it up and fucked off. They then returned later, saying that the bag contained no valuable electronics and was infact full of paper and documents so they didn't want it.

• Just today, a bizarre looking drunkard wandered into my shop and shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BLACK SHIT" in a shop of predominantly black customers. He asked me if he could use the toliet, but this man looked like a scabby vile junkie and was using some appaling language and his attitude was stinkin', so I lied and told him they were out of order. He countered by asking me "do you want me to piss in the corner of the shop?" and I told him I'd rather he didn't. He then levelled some more racist abuse at a Chinese man and left, telling me he would piss outside.
  

• A man asked me for change to put toward getting a taxi to the local hospital because he had injured his arm in a bike accident. Before i even had time to react [my reaction was to ignore him] he stood in front of me, rolled up his sleeve and showed me a gash which was about 5 or 6 inches long and very VERY deep. It's a goddamn miracle I didn't vom all over him, because it was fucking rank. The strange thing was that although his arm was mashed up, his sleeve and indeed the rest of his body were completely unharmed. And the wound was clearly quite old, what with the dried blood all over his arm and hands.

• A classy lady spat at me [but missed] because I couldn't change a £10 note.

• Another classy lady left faeces all over the floor and walls of our customer toilet.

• An elderly gentleman of Jamaican descent spent the whole day telling me that he was not black and I was colourblind and all black people were uncivilised dishonest thieves who should all be sent away on a boat which should be sunk in the ocean, and to achieve this he will be voting for the BNP.
  

All of these things genuinely happened to me in the past few months. You can say a lot of things about East London, but you could never call it boring.

It's Festival Season

As per usual, I cannot afford to get to any of the major festivals this year, which irritates me greatly. But which field would I be pitching my tent in if my financial situation wasn't completely dire? Here are a selection of the major UK festivals and their headliners...

• GLASTONBURY

The big daddy of UK festivals, Glastonbury is entering its 40th year of mud-infested debauchery, and features a line-up sure to annoy knuckle-dragging imbecile Noel Gallagher, infested as it is with non-guitar playing interloper Snoop Doog. Gallagher has so far failed to pass his judgement on Tha Doggfather's inclusion. I imagine the reason for his silence has something to do with how badly his criticism of Jay-Z backfired a while back, with Jigga recieving a huge ovation from the Glasto crowd, the hightlight being his [admittedly ropey] cover of tedious Oasis track Wonderwall. Glasto organisers Michael and Emily Eavism, unlike Gallagher, do not live under a rock and know full well that in the year 2010, hip-hop belongs in the mainstream just as much as tiresome pub-rock. It was a tough task to find a name bigger than Jay-Z, but in Snoop Dogg they have found a worthy successor.

Joining Snoop on the Pyramid stage are [among many others] pompous douchelord Bono and the rest of U2, East London' finest, Dizzee Rascal, confirming, as if confirmation was needed, that he has graduated to the top table of UK music, soul legend Stevie Wonder, guitar hero Slash and pretentous space-rock prog rockers Muse. Personally, I would be more enamoured with witnessing Mos Def [Friday, West Holts] A1 Bassline [Annie Mac's Opening Party on Thursday] Rusko [Friday on the West Dance Stage] and Foals [Saturday on the Jon Peel stage]. But this is the beauty of Glastonbury. Every single taste in music is catered for, such is the sheer scale of the event. Personally, if someone were to offer me tickets for every festival of the summer and tell me I had to pick one, I would beat them down and take all of them, keep the Glasto one and put the rest on eBay, because you seemingly cannot possibly not find something to enjoy.

• READING & LEEDS

The headliners of this year's R&L are incredibly hit and miss. I'm sure there will be a lot of people excited about Guns n Roses, but personally I would have no interest in seeing a washed-up Axl Rose and a group of musical mercenaries. Ditto Blink 182, a band I didn't really much care for back then and I certainly don't much care for now. Canadian eccentrics Arcade Fire are also here, along with vile pop-metal irritants Paramore, the excellent Queens of the Stone Age and recently-reformed British rock royalty The Libertines. Further down the line-up there is a mini 90s revival taking place revival theme with Limp Bizkit, Weezer, Cypress Hill and NOFX all making an appearance on the main stage.

On the NME/Radio 1 stage [there are 2 brands which send a shudder down one's spine] we have a suprisingly good line up, my personal highlights being Godlike Genius [in my eyes anyway] Serj Tankian, new-rave progenitors Klaxons and bleep merchants Crystal Castles. Pendulum, as disagreeable as their more recent material has been, are worth a look if not just for when they play the Hold Your Colour-era tracks, Foals are riotously enjoyable live and Kele Okereke's solo material may be worth a listen.

Would I pay the really quite lare asking price for a ticket to Reading or Leeds? If I were to base my decision solely on the quality of the musicians on show, my answer would have to be no. For me, the line up is just not good enough to warrant such a large amount of my hard-earned being handed over.

• V FESTIVAL

V festival has always been seen as a corporate-centric event, more suitable for families and children than the more hardcore festival experience of Glasto or R&L. This attitude is refelected in the line-up, the names of which are regular fixtures in the nation's music charts. While the last couple of years has seen their musical output decrease markedly in quality, Kings of Leon would still be worth a look on the strength of their earlier work. Along side them are Kasabian, who like KoL have evolved into one of the biggest names in the UK music industry [I know KoL are American, but they are still pretty huge here]. Most of the rest of V Festival is sadly choc-a-bloc with rock/pop drudgery, such as Stereophonics, The Kooks, Scouting for Girls and Editors. Florence and her relentless money-making Machine may be worth a look, as will Robyn and..... ummm..... nope, that's it. Not a single other name catches my eye here. As I said, V Festival reads as who's who of British pop music of the past year. Mika, La Roux, Kate Nash, Sugababes, Pixie Lott etc. It's just not very interesting to me. And certainly not worth the asking price. As i said, one for families looking for a nice day out. And there is nothing wrng with that. It's just not for me.

• WIRELESS

Featuring a more hip-hop centric line up than most, the big names being Snoop Dogg, Jay Z, Missy Elliott and D12 alongside other names from the pop and rock world such as Pink, Lily Allen, The Gossip, The Ting Tings and Friendly Fires. Slightly leftfield inclusions include pop-punk Americans Bowling for Soup and Slash.

For 2 reasons, Wireless would be my festival of choice out of these events. One, Missy Elliott. I love Missy Elliott too much to not go to this [but I'm not, so that kinda defeats that point..] and two, the location [Hyde Park, London]. And the prices aren't too shabby either. Of course, you aren't getting as much as you would at many of the bigger events, but that is reflected in the sigificantly cheaper price for a weekend-long stay [£105].

• GLADE

Catering mainly for the danceheads among us as well as a big emphasis on art, Glade is one of the up and coming festival experiences that the UK has to offer. This year's musical treats come courtesty of electro stalwarts Simian Mobile Disco, Drum & Bass legend DJ Zinc, Dance veterans Orbital and rip-hopping Bristolian Tricky. Alongside the music there will be theatre performance art and much more besides, making this an attractive proposition if you are looking for an alternative to being knee-deep in mud and getitng your shit stolen from your tent.

Personally, glade isn't something I would be interested in, mainly because I don't have enough of an interest in both the art side and the music side of what they are offering. And the price, £125 for the weekend, I feel is slightly too much considering what is on show.

Of the festivals I've covered, I would have to plump for Wireless, the reasons being the low price and the location. As it is, I will probably have to plump for none, and sit at home while everyone else enjoys the great music and what not. Fuckers.

Do I vote for some racists or some hippies or some nutters?

If you can block out the attention seeking, name-calling playground antics of the big 3 of Labour, the Tories and the Liberal Democrats, you may be able to hear the distant sounds of the smaller organisations trying, and most probably failing, to get themselves behind the desk of no. 10 Downing Street in a few days time, or a least win a seat or two in parliament. I decided to have a scan of the websites of some of these hopefuls, so I could make an informed decision about who to mark my big cross next to [if I were able to vote.... I forgot to register....]

• THE BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY.

Of all the smaller parties out there, the BNP are the ones who have arguably made the most noise the past few years. Their leader appearing on Question Time, winning seats in the European Parliament and steadily increasing it's seats across England. But have the BNP made gains significant enough to have a member elected to parliament? The short answer is probably not. As much as they protest otherwise, The BNP is still seen by the majority of the nation as a motley crue of far-right fascist imbeciles, and in my opinion, rightly so. Every time one hears or sees Nick Griffin deny he is at the helm of a racist party, one thinks back to his trial a few years ago when he was in the dock for inciting racial hatred. Or the time recently when he described East London as "like Nairobi" and expressed his disgust at mixed-race relationships ("they're part of the black tribe now). Or how the BNP were forced to allow non-white members into their ranks. I could go on and on. The fact is the BNP deny they are racists because it is not a vote-winner. Immigration, on the other hand, is. By nailing their flag to the immgration issue, the BNP have tapped into anxieties which many perfectly tolerant citizens (myself included) have regarding the flood of people entering this country. But to suggest that the solution is to remove every non-white person from our shores is at best misguided, and at worst disturbing. To suggest, as they do, that every Muslim is a terrorist catastrophe waiting to happen, and that every terrorist is indeed muslim, is utterly absurd. By focusing on the immigration issue, the BNP are roping supporters in without giving them the full story about what they are all about. This is, after all, a party born from the National Front. A party that in the not too distant past, promised that if they were to get into power would have every non-white female either leave the country or have a hysterectomy, preventing her from breeding any more non-white humans. This, maybe aboe all else, should tell you everything about the kind of people the British National Party are, and what we could expect in the extremely remote event that they gained the premiership of the United Kingdon.

• RESPECT

Best known for winning the Bethnal Green & Bow seat from Oona King and Labour in 2005, thus thrusting George Galloway back into his preferred spot, the public eye. Respect describe themselves as "The anti-war, anti-privatisation, pro-equality, pro-choice party" with an oppositon to privatisiation of public servies and to the war in Iraq, the war being one of the catylists for the party's formation. I am a big fan of Respect's policies regarding crime, in particular the focus on targeting the causes of crime and their idea to provide more help for drug users (as opposed to the BNP's policy of reintroducing the death penalty for drug users and dealers). I am also a big supporter of their policies regarding equality and the NHS. But the more i read through these policies, the less impressed I am. I find it hard to believe the claim that Britian is not overcrowded and we have ample room for people to come to the UK and use our services for free. They say we should "Give asylum seekers and refugees the right to food and shelter, plus access to education, health and social services." In Britain today we have a social system which is so overrun that social workers cannot spot that chidren are being tortured and beaten to death in their own homes by their own relatives, a system where people have to wait up to a week to see their GP, a system where people are forced to live on the streets because there are no council properties available. How will the social system manage with more work when it cannot handle the work it has at the moment? It simply would not work. Another issue I am struggling to get on board with is their plan to probide free education for all. In theory, this is an excellent idea, but in reality how will this be paid for? Well, a glance at their proposals of how all this free education and extra social work will be paid for tells me that they will scrap spending on our military interests. Now, what I'm thinking is that as a nation that has gotten itself involved with wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, severely agitated Iran, and is seen as standing shoulder to shoulder with the USA, we are in no position to get rid of our means of defending ourselves if the shit hits the fan.

Respect mean well, but they seem to live in a "can't we all just get along?" land of harmony and peace, which is just not the way the world is. I would love to be able to say their way would work, but it wouldn't.

• NATIONAL FRONT

I don't really have much to say about the NF. Anyone who votes for these idiots is a psychopath. But I just felt it was worth mentioning this, from their utter HTML and grammar FAIL of a website.

"The NF is opposed to abortion on principle and would only sanction one where a mother has conceived as a result of rape, where medical opinion asserts that there is a genuine and serious danger to the health or life of the mother if the pregnancy is allowed to continue, or where medical opinion asserts that the foetus is seriously damaged or malformed"

The last bit..... Just completely batshit mental.

• MONSTER RAVING LOONY PARTY
  

A party that seemingly exists only to bring a degree of comic relief to what is a pretty fucking tedious general election. Their manifesto covers health (Child vaccinations to be scrapped and replaced by nurses with sniper rifles and tranquilizer darts), Crime (banning superheroes from using their powers for evil) and equality (Changing the Isle of Wight's name to the Isle of Mixed Races). If a Facebook group can get the public to go out and buy Rage Against The Machine songs, SURELY a Facebook group can get the Loonies a seat in parliament!

Lost? Yep, me too.

A few months ago, I decided I would track down and watch all of the episodes of Lost I had missed. Considering I hadn't watched it for about 3 years, this was a lot of missed episodes. I got hold of seasons 2, 3, 4 and 5 [season 6 was yet to start] and caught myself up in a matter of weeks. My understanding of the Lost saga is as follows:



. Oceanic 815 crashes onto a remote tropical island. As well as following the group's lives on the island, we see their lives before the crash in a series of flashbacks.

. Survivors of said crash run into a group of people already living on the island, who become known as 'The Others.'

. Some people manage to leave the island, but feel like they need to go back, which they do. By now, the flashbacks have become flashforwards, showing us the fate of the group which escaped and why they feel the need to retun.

. A big wheel deep underground is turned, sending the island travelling through time, visiting several periods of history until resting itself in the 70s.

. Some of the group manage to make a life for themselves as part of the Dharma Initiative, a group of scientists located on the island to study the island's unique electromagnetic powers.

. The group that escaped the island return and all hell breaks loose, culminating in the detonation of a hydrogen bomb which, in theory, will reset their timeline and plonk them back to the time before they boarded the plane which crashed on the island in the first place.

. The island seems to be unaffected by the bomb blast. However, we are now being shown not flashbacks or flashforwards, but what seem to be completely different timelines, each character living an entirely different life to the ones we had seen in the flashbacks/flashforwards.



And this is all without even mentioning the polar bears, a man who can manifest himself into a plume of black smoke, the characters seeing into the future, the characters able to move between two different periods of time, the characters that can see/talk to dead people. Basically, Lost makes no fucking sense. Even with 4 episodes left until it is all over, I still find myself utterly unable to make any real guess as to what is going to go down. The last episode hinted at the island being some sort of purgatory, with a supposedly dead character saying that he is one of the ones stuck on the island and cannot move on, or something to that effect.

I've always been optimistic that, in the end, everything will make sense. Well, maybe make sense is the wrong phrase. Maybe its better to say I hope everything is explained. I've always kept faith that all these bizarre goings-on were going somewhere, and even with little over 4 hours of Lost left to go, I remain cautiously optimistic that my faith will be rewarded.

Is a school massacre storyline out of the question?...

Why is everyone so utterly in love with Glee? MAN, IT IS SO ANNOYING. Everything about it is just so over the top, so camp, so irritating and grating and unfunny. I hate how every week a gaggle of easily-persuaded morons lap this shit up in CD/MP3 form and give this shit the publicity and credibility it scarcely even deserves. I reckon the makers of this garbage are laughing their balls off at how easy they have it. What do they have to do? Most of the show is already written for them, what with every episode just being a load of ugly outcasts butchering every semi-popular song of the past 30 years.

Actually, you know what is worse than Glee?

NOTHING.

Not a thing on earth is as face-achingy bad as this shit.



I want to beat every single one of these people to death with the severed head of the person next to them. Especially that wretched little homo at the bottom in the middle. Closely followed by that cretin with the glasses and the face of a brain-damaged camel.

Customary anti-BNP ranting

***BNP leader Nick Griffin has been secretly filmed out on the far-right party's campaign trail, where he compared east London to Nairobi.

The BNP is well known for having controversial policies, but it would appear the party also has controversial opinions when it comes to canvassing voters.

An undercover reporter from the People tabloid recorded what happened when senior party member Richard Edmonds was out leafleting in Dagenham.

When a woman told him she would not vote BNP, Mr Edmonds' response as he walked away was: "Silly ******* aren't they? Maybe she's got a black kid you see?

"Or maybe her sister's got a black kid? That I think is always the explanation around here.

"Once they go with blacks, they're part of the black tribe.

"Wicked, horrible, stupid. I've seen it many, many times."

Mr Griffin was also filmed talking about canvassing in Barking, where he is trying to oust Labour's Margaret Hodge.

"Yes, it's something like leafleting central Nairobi isn't it, I'm afraid," he said.

A spokesman for the BNP said the remarks were made after Mr Edmonds had been verbally abused in the street.

They party did not want to comment further on the filming.

At its manifesto launch last week, the BNP insisted it was not a single-issue party.***

Over the past few years, the public profile of the British National Party has steadily increased, culminating in it's esteemed leader, Nick Griffin, being invited to take part in a televised debate on Question Time, a long-running British TV institution seen every week by millions of British voters. As the episode unfolded, it quickly became clear why, despite being one of the most recognisable characters in this glorified soap opera we call politics, Mr Griffin had a suprisingly small voice in the public forum. It was because he is an brain-dead imbecile. Every time Mr Griffin opened his face hole it was almost as if our world had ceased to exist, and we had entered a brave new world where stupidity and bigotry had no physical limits. The "hightlights" (if such outstanding idiocy can be described as hightlights) for me were his defence of his relationship with a prominent member of the Ku Klux Klan, describing his American counterpart as "one of the non-violent ones" or when he quipped that said Klansman could disguise himself "with a hood". Both comments, might I add, said whilst sat less than 2 feet away from Bonnie Greer, a black American female who was grew up in the era of United States history where public executions of men, women and children of colour by white supremacists was commonplace.

Those two comments alone should leave no sane human being in any doubt as to the sheer scale of stupidity this man operates under. So when I saw the above story with the headline BNP RACISM SHOCK, I could only assume the writer of this piece was a shrewd operator in sarcasm. Let's dissect this article into easy, bite size sections;

"Silly ******* aren't they? Maybe she's got a black kid you see?"

Yeah, that must be it. The blacks must have gotten to her first! This woman must have been a breeding ground of bigotry and hatred until those bloody darkies got to her and polluted her mind with equality and tolerance! SERIOUSLY. Is this how the thought processes of Joe and Jane Racist actually work? Is in inconcievable that someone might actually be a decent, tolerant human being and not have some sort of link to the black community? Well, it is very concievable. But only if you are not as thick as shit. This is where the BNP mindset hits a brick wall, because you cannot support this clap-trap and not be as thick as shit.

"Once they go with blacks, they're part of the black tribe."

The black tribe? THE BLACK TRIBE???!!?!?! That sentence is so utterly mind-bogglingly stupid I think I might start hyper-ventilating. What is he suggesting, that being black is contaigous? I mean, there is stupid, and there is OHMYGOD that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard in all my life and I will never hear anything so retarded ever again. And then there is this. A whole new world, a whole new universe of lunacy. I can't even think of anything to say about this statement, because the English language has yet to evolve to such a level that things like this can be explained with mere language. Why are students throwing eggs at David Cameron when they could be throwing burning bags of used syringes at people like this?

A spokesman for the BNP said the remarks were made after Mr Edmonds had been verbally abused in the street.

THIS IS IT! The money shot, the pay-off, this is the Lionel Messi, the Muhammad Ali, the Usain Bolt of idiocy. This is what would be found in the Large Hadron Collider of stupidity. This one remark. The very idea that such intolerant, prejudiced filth can be justified by a defence of WELL SHE STARTED IT. This is what the BNP are. Overgrown children. But even that is doing a disservice to children, who even from the moment sperm meets egg, are never going to be as stupid as the average BNP supporter.