Big Brother as it happens.

9.04pm - So here we are. The end of an era. The last series of the parade of screeching, obnoxious, fame-hungry, desperate, thick imbeciles shitting away the last dregs of diginty for three months so, the end result being a smattering of PA appearances in low-rent nightclubs. Should be a rollercoster ride.

9.06pm - Davina introduces the gaggle of idiots hoping to take up residence in the house.

9.09pm - Davina has entered the house. The diary room chair is modelled to resemble angel wings, and is a vulgar as it is cheap. In the garden sits a bizarre wooden egg. Davina is impressed by the pretty unicorns and fairies.

9.12pm - A strange cutaway segments documents the story of a tree which is now a chest of drawers, which was far too uninteresting to elaborate on.

9.13pm - the first housemate is.... JOSIE! A 25 year old blonde who sounds and looks like Soccer AM's Helen Chamberlain. She seems to like animals and grew up on a farm. She seems to be on the good side of ditzy. She enters the house by screaming repeatedly and jumping around like a lunatic, which should stand her in good stead for the series. She seems vaguely likeable.

9.17pm - Next is STEVE! Now, I noticed him sat in a wheelchair right at the start and said to myself "he's going in the house" and I've been proved right. The cynic in me can't help but think BB chose him because of his disability. I missed the bulk of his intro, but I think he said he lost his legs at war. A beefy, tattooed 'geezer' type, he seems like a genuinely nice fella, as he enters the house in a side door via the diary room. It's unclear whether Josie started screeching like a banshee upon Stephen's entrance or if she hadn't stopped screeching in the five minutes since she entered the house. My money is on the latter.

9.24pm - Adverts. That Carling ad for the World Cup is so horribly trite.

9.28pm - I've just missed the intro for BEN! but what I see is an impossibly posh toff bastard RAH RAH RAH. I'm suprised Ben is available to appear in BB because I was under the assumption he was LITERALLY IN BURMA. Davina just asked some bellends in the audience what they thought, they responding by hollering like morons.

9.30pm - Number 4 is BEYONCE! Not really, it's Rachel. 15 seconds after I wrote that, she revealed she is infact a Beyonce impersonator, although I think she would have more success as a double for Miquita Oliver. She recieves the expected chorus of BOOOOOOOOO!, as most attractive people entering the house usually do.

9.34pm - NATHAN! is next, a dour looking northen monkey who describes himself as a "Jack the Lad", whch automatically makes him a massive prick, which his intro confirms. His crowning glory seems to be the width of his forehead. The thick working class moron gets cheered by the crowd of thick working class morons.

9.38pm - Ads again. It's as to be expected so far, the usual gaggle of airheaded floozies, inspiration stories and pampered poshos who have been selected for the specific goal of creating as much conflict as possible. I just spotted Mr T in the group of hopefuls. I pray to god he doesn't get in because he is clearly a cunt.

9.42pm - Here comes DAVE!, whom I assumed was a lesbian female until he opened his mouth. Oh my God I hate this man. Apparently he used to be a deadbeat druggie mess until he found the man upstairs. He keeps giggling in a really fake way, the kind of giggle people do in sitcoms when the crazy laughter turns in an instant to sobbing uncontrollably.

9.46pm - "I have a huge hunger to be successful" says walking pair of tits CIOMHE!, whose name could well have been chosen by her parents mashing a typewriter with an open palm. Upon admitting she flirts with girls, the BB producer conducting the interview shoots her down superbly, decreeing her an "attention seeker" which she denies. She seems like a dullard.

9.48pm - GOVAN! looks 12 years old. He looks genuinely mortified at his boast of having "a big dick" as he enters the house at quite a speed which is because he is dying for a piss, running to the bathroom before he's even said hello to his housemates.

9.54pm - No one stands out in the irritating bastard stakes yet. Of course, this will not last.

9.56pm - Another one I saw earlier and thought would be selected, SHABBY! is like Oliver Twist and Angus Young's ADHD-riddled lovechild. Shabby because she "looks like shit", she brags about getting "loads of poontang." There be the source of conflict in the house, I reckon. Her general personality, not her lesbianism.

9.59pm - Next up is IFE!, a singer/dancer/performer who spends most of her intro bragging about how successful and beautiful she is. Little Miss Beyonce looks genuinely offended at every female who enters.

10.03pm - Walking Topshop mannequin JOHN! now, who flew for 23 hours from his homeland of Australia to audition for the show. He thinks he looks like David Beckham, which is false. I'm predicing that this hunk of beef will spend 93% of his time walking around with no shirt on, and the other 7% spent lifting his shirt off. Like Beyonce, Ben has a face like a slapped arse every time someone walks in the door.

10.06pm - Preposterously named SUNSHINE! is hateful in a thousand ways. Her whole life seems to revolve around convincing everyone how WACKY! and ZANY! and KOOKY! she is in order to compensate for how bollock-achingly dull she is, hence the vow that she will never eat a kitten, her favourite pasttime of sticking shiny things on her possesions and indeed the name Sunshine. A genuinely crazy person would have changed their name to Juggernaut or Vaginismus or something. Contemptible bitch.

10.10pm - CORIN! says she is 28, which she is not. A mahognay skinned Jordan-alike with a voice that only a deaf person could love. One also suspects that is not her natural skin colour, unless mahogany sideboards and leather saddlebags have discovered a way to copulate.

10.13pm - Davina just hinted at A SHOCKING TWIST! which will probably not involve anything shocking whatsoever. There is a disgusting pink & black cybergoth cunt in the crowd that shouldn't even be allowed to leave her own house, nevermind enter this one.

10.18pm - OOOHHHH! A TOMBOLA. BB, YOU'VE SURPASSED YOURSELF! I reckon it'll feature the names of ex housemates, as the rumours have suggested. Davina just made a terribly unfunny pun about looking at balls. Fuck off Davina.

10.19pm - Oh, I was wrong. Out of the tombola came the name MARIO, a guring excitable imp who looks pretty bewildered at the whole event. "Hello, whoever you are!" says Big Brother, a moniker he should get used to. Mario has been given some tedious mission involving being a mole, the announcement of which was generally drowned out by whooping idiots. And Davina.

10.26pm - Mario is a mole, which naturally means he has entered the house dressed as a mole because otherwise the task would not have been clear enough for viewers.

Fin.